Well, Geez

Well, geez, that Summer really flew by. Its not that I haven't had time to write, but by the time I had time, I didn't want to. I'm lazy sometimes; it happens. But this Summer was seriously packed, and that's a good thing. I love life. I saw some awesome movies, ran through the mountains of Colorado, VIP'd at a music festival, swam with sea turtles in Mexico, and even got hitched. So yeah, I did some stuff. I'm still feeling a bit lazy and overwhelmed, but I figured I might as well get something out of the gate. So here's some pictures of me with people, chronologically backward, from now to the beginning of Summer. Can you guess which ones are strangers? Go!

Love ya babe ;)

To The West!

Friday once again. Ahhhhhh, isn't it grand? Almost as good as last Friday when I was figuring out the last few details on Western Movie Day. 'What is Western Movie Day?' one may ask themselves, and it is exactly what you want it to be. Or at least what I want it to be (insert menacing devilish laugh). I hadn't been around in awhile to have our regular weekly Sunday evening movie, so I was making up for it by having a movie marathon on a Saturday. And what's more fun than watching movies all day? Having a theme of course, and a goddamn Western theme at that. Whoot! A list of movies was debated via email, and with the help of the internet, we had a list primed to go via Amazon instant video. Of course I couldn't have this just be a bunch of spaghetti westerns, or some classic Duke films; no sir. I had to put some western movies on the list that you hadn't heard of, or never wanted to. Movies like Sukiyaki Western Django, Cowboys and Aliens, and Slow West.
But before I get all crazy about the movies, lets not lose focus. This is a day after all, and that means you'll need some sustenance. Might as well keep the theme rollin', so we have jalapeno cheese cornbread, bbq bacon baked beans, western style burgers (which I'm pretty sure have nothing to do with the actual West), and of course beer and lots and lots of whiskey.

Although Hardees was my inspiration for the Western Burger, we classed it up slightly with some avocado. I want to take this time for a personal shout out to my lady and brother who made the western burger and food situation happen as I was busy with some Bulleit in the basement watching movies. And so, the movies.

I started a bit later than I wanted (just after 3pm), but my good pal Quinn made sure I didn't watch a single movie alone and so I chose Sukiyaki Western Django as his gift. This movie is East meets West quite literally; it claims to be set in Nevada but all the signs and scenery is Japanese. The actors are all Eastern, but they speak English. Its really quite a mix, and of course this classic East meets West can only be brought about by one man; Quentin Tarantino. The only white dude in the film, and a crazy bastard at that. This movie is about as ridiculous as it gets, and therefore right in sync with Tarantino, although neither directed nor produced by him. Every character in this film is damaged; seemingly everyone has a sad back story. Either their father was murdered in front of them, or their mother, or both. 2 different clans have an unending blood feud to boot, and there's a few half breeds thrown in the mix hell bent on vengeance against pretty much everyone. The sheriff's mind is cracked from trying to keep both clans happy, easily identified as the white and the red clans. The sheriff does this just to save his own skin, being the weasel he is, and therefore also nailing one character of the western genre perfectly; the sheriff overrun by a gang and playing the puppet in his own town. Despicable. Everything comes down to one final bloody showdown, and it is bloody. The 2 clans at their wits end, a stranger essentially back from the dead, an assassin come out of retirement, and... a Gatling gun?! Fuck yeah. You really have to see it to believe it, and I give Sukiyaki 5/7 Fox Tails for its over the top storytelling, damaged and struggling characters, and because kitanas, blood, and a goddamn Gatling gun.

My father arrived for the final showdown of Sukiyaki, and then suggested we change it up and go to a classic western for movie number 2. I obliged with The Magnificent Seven. This movie was packed with all the big shot action guys of the day. My father couldn't stop remarking how cool Yul Brynner was, and how awesome and big Charles Bronson was. Steve McQueen, and James Coburn, and a handful of other greats. And this movie is classic; a bunch of rough and tough smooth talking dudes, all with quick hands and fighting for justice. Justice. The story is apparently taken from The Seven Samurai, and has been made over and over a handful of times. Small town overrun by gangster/bastard; they reach out for help with the little pittance that they have. Enter 7 heroes, led by at least a few all stars, and you got yourself a movie that makes you grin from ear to ear. Its as badass as it sounds, and I almost passed out when I saw the line up for the remake coming in 2017: Chris Pratt, Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke. As long as they make it as cheesy and wholesome awesomeness as the original, then I think they'll do just fine. Probably even super fine. For 1960, I give the Seven 6/7 Fox Tails for just the reason I said above; wholesome awesomeness ie a righteous good guy outnumbered by bad guys standing up for whats right kinda awesomeness. Fuck bad people.

A slight break for some food, another shot of whiskey, and a few more people showed up for what they didn't even know was the main attraction; Slow West. This is the Western you haven't heard of because its so new. An indie film that came out this year starring the amazing Michael Fassbender and up and comer Kodi Smit-McPhee.

This was actually the movie that made me decide I wanted to do a Western theme when I saw the trailer a few short weeks ago, and then it turns out that the film went direct to on demand before hitting theaters. Fuck. Yes. So if you're cool like me and watch trailers every other moment that you're not wrenching on cars or downing whiskey, then you know movies like this exist; and then you share them with the world. This movie is the western movie that anti-defines the western movies. The heroes are more anti-hero than hero, everyone is on a hunt for survival, and to be idealistic is to be dead. Our young traveler from Scotland is always caught in situations that he is not prepared for (happens often on the frontier), and if any pointers can be taken from his bounty hunter possibly outlaw guide, Fassbender, its that you shouldn't give a shit about anyone, and always be ready to kill them because that's exactly how they're thinking of you. The movie is riddled with flash backs to the old country to help flesh out our young character, and then we come back to this boy that is just not a man (though he tries). If you wanna be as cool as me, and trust me, you do, then gather a few friends or your mom from the other room and rent Slow West on demand. I give Slow West 6/7 Fox Tails for its ruthless view of the west, good pace, unique characters, and its shots of humor to lighten the otherwise depressing story. You won't come away from this movie with a warm fuzzy, and I believe that's exactly what's intended. 

And now what I thought was to be the second last movie, but turned out to be the last movie. Oh well. If you're gonna go out on western movie day, then you better have Tombstone.

This movie is 7/7 Fox Tails. Easy. Done. I love this movie. LOVE IT. Pretty much anything Doc Holliday says, played by Val Kilmer, is cinematic gold. 'I got 2 guns, one for each of ya'. Pants explosion. 'You're a daisy if you do' ie pushing up daisies ie dead. I just got that! Fuckin great. Rounding it out with Kurt Russell, the fucking awesome Sam Elliot, Bill Paxton, and even some Billy Zane in there. Of course we can't forget the mad man Johnny Ringo played by Michael Biehn, and the Cowboy ringleader played by Powers Boothe. I want to watch this movie again already! The story is classic awesomeness, the acting is great, characters are sweet, bad guys are bad, and good guys are pretty bad too. Just go watch it, cuz I ain't gonna talk about it anymore. 

So a liter of whiskey and many pitchers of beer later, Western Day was a success. I think we'll rest up for a week or two, and then maybe another themed night later this summer. Bond? Aliens? I never did get around to Cowboys and Aliens... Take 'er easy.

Monsters

It proved to be quite fitting that upon the night I was to see Avengers: Age of Ultron, that my viewing would be postponed to discuss a book. A book! You know what a book is, right? They're usually rectangular, and have a bunch of letters formed into words, and then printed onto tangible paper stuff; its those things you never pick up anymore and instead use as coasters for your Red Bull or to level your HDTV on the shelf. My mistake, you don't use coasters.

I was the host for the family book club, and I told my brother to make sure he got there on time cuz I had other stuff to do; namely go see Avengers on opening night. 'That shit? What a fucking waste.' Apparently my brother doesn't like fun. Any who, I was a bit taken aback by this; I mean, Avengers. Hellooooooooo?!? Sweet Marvel characters, Joss Whedon at the helm once again; it was a not so proven formula that destroyed the box office a few years ago and was looking for another piece. I was pretty excited to say the least, but I didn't let his comment rob me of the enjoyment I was about to procure from blazing images and flashy pretty colors, or the hope I may actually go deaf from one of the explosions. I mean, when you're a baller like me then you gots to go big, and IMAX 3D was the only way to go. If anything it encouraged me to finish our book, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and bring some good conversation to the table for my first activity of the night before Ultron's reveal. I hadn't read Frank before, and I was pretty surprised to find out that any Hollywood rendition I have seen is nothing like the book. It was good. Really good. Beautiful language , if not sometimes just a bit over the top; prose that just pulled you in, and a story about devastation and misery for all characters. We bounced around discussing a few topics, but a common theme throughout is whether the creature (or demon) was a monster, or if his creator, Victor Frankenstein, was the monster. Or are they both monsters? Was the creature a monster because Victor was? Was it nature? And also the link between created and creator. Truly a fun book (nice and short too) that anyone can read, yet you can really have a deep conversation about it if you so desire. I said earlier that this was quite fitting because the main premise of Avengers 2 is that creation turns on creator; a theme not necessarily unique to Frankenstein or Avengers, but it was fun sitting in the theater and watching the same ideas that man has been struggling with since 1818, and centuries before it, is now being played out again in the newest media form. Pretty cool. The heroes blatantly use the word 'monster' several times, either in reference to themselves or Ultron, and this is the same struggle that brought Marvel to the forefront with the first Iron Man movie. Are the weapons and technology Tony Stark developed the monsters? Is it the people that use it? Or is it Tony himself? And can you create something else to prove yourself? Tony thought he could; he tried to prove he was not a monster by creating again: the Iron Man suit. A suit for defense. A suit for good.

Captain America was created. Black Widow. The Hulk. The Twins. It is apparently in human nature to repeat our mistakes over and over again, and to proliferate these ideas into stories of horror, into stories of fantasy. We drew pictures inside caves, brought masked men into theaters, printed words with pen and paper, and now digital 3 dimensional explosions and deafening sound is our medium. Oooooooooooooooh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I don't even want to tell you about Avengers anymore; its a story you already know anyway. I will tell you this though; its sweet. Really f'in sweet.
 It opens up with the Avengers fully assembled and battling through masses of Hydra soldiers. Compared to the first film they are a now a developed team, which is articulated through the many hero combo attacks riddled throughout and the seamless execution of such attacks. Captain flips his shield to Black Widow, Thor tossed people into Hawkeyes path for assassination; its really too cool, like a video game come to life. But its also clear that they have not been challenged for quite some time; they get careless with their own defense and rely on their personal superior strength and skill in many cases. There I go again; you got me all riled up and I just want to talk more and more now! I'll leave you with a few key things that stood out for me and made this movie as great as it really is, and not just another CGI heavy movie with cool fight scenes.

1) Quicksilver: This character is played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson; I know him as Kick Ass, and he was also in the latest Godzilla. By the way, he got big; this ain't no scrawny high school kid that he played in Kick Ass anymore. So the character is cool, but I really like this actor; he doesn't talk much as Quicksilver and the character comes to life with his little mannerisms and smirks.

2) Ultron: Really I should say James Spader, as he's the one who voices Ultron and breathes him to life. This makes me want to watch the Blacklist now, as this guy delivers lines perfectly. Ultron is a program created by Tony Stark and this character has some of his language, class, wit, knowledge, and,of course, sarcasm; all perfectly done by Spader. Tony Stark is no simple character, and Robert Downey Junior IS that character. Spader is able to use that, and also twist it into his own ruthless and immoral villain of destruction. So sweet.

3) Hawkeye: I watched Birdman a month or so ago, and they made reference that all these great actors were getting put into capes; essentially they were all playing heroes and wasting their talent. Jeremy Renner was one of the names mentioned, and I thought they more or less hit it on the mark with him. Hawkeye was a small character in these past few films and Renner definitely could have focused elsewhere. He was all on board though and they pay him back by really fleshing Hawkeye out in this film. He's a larger role, you get to learn more about him, and you also see how he's the real soldier of the group; he is just a human and cannot rely on super strength to get him through many situations. His expertise in combat, tactics, and view of the battle field are his strengths.

The story and direction are really done quite well in this film, and they don't mind poking fun at the fact that they're running around in costumes and fighting aliens or robots or genocidal computer programs. They embrace it, and they are better for it. This movie made me want to re-watch all the Marvel movies over again (and I just may, I own most of them!) and really just got me amped and excited about the story. This movie ascends the scale and gets a well deserved 7/7 Fox Tails; it really is one destined for the big screen and something you absolutely should not miss. 3D IMAX may be unnecessary (may be), but the combination of action, humor, characters, story, drama; its all there. The story is really that good, and at just over 2 hours and with a character that messes with your mind parts, there's a good amount of character growth sprinkled in to make you care about the characters and not just when the next triple back-flip, motorcycle launching, lightning striking, missile blasting, combo punch is gonna take place. And yes all those things happen too.

And to put it not quite as eloquently as Ms Shelley, 'This isn't about beating Ultron, it's about proving we're not monsters.' Thanks Cap'n.

Ablaze Balls

Envelope meet push. I know, I know; its been a few weeks and you haven't been able to get you Fox blog fix. Pucker up and prep for a double dose cuz you are getting an exclusive movie review. If you follow this blog at all, know me at all, love me at all, then you already know what it is. Yes ladies and gents, I went to Furious 7 last night, and the envelope as they say has been pushed. Pushed out of reach, pushed beyond beyond, a la this film cannot be touched. It was Ablaze Balls. I tried to text my buddy after cuz I was still so amped up, and my phone decided on 'ablaze' instead of 'amaze'; I caught it before sending but figured it worked anyway.
Ablaze balls: uh-bleyz bawlz : when one's balls or respective genitalia is glowing as to be on the verge of bursting into flame because of extreme excitement and/or surge of adrenalin because awesomness.

Furious 7 was indeed Ablaze Balls.

To say this movie is action packed is a gross understatement. You can literally not pack any more adrenalin fueled car chasing, airplane dropping, offroad trucking, hypercar speedin', sexy bitch fightin', suplex driving, monster wrench dueling, and predator seeking action into a single film. Not possible, no how. Before I get all amped again (too late) lets take a step back for a moment to where this all began; The Fast and the Furious. The year was 2001, I was 16, and my only car at the time was powered by a 6 cell battery. I didn't know what a Supra was, an RX-7, a '70s Charger, boobs, et cetera, et cetera. But I liked cars. I loved cars. I lived to take things apart; a clock, my RC car, my bike, whatever. The Fast and The Furious came out and I've had an erection ever since. True Story. 2 Fast 2 Furious introduced Tyrese and Luda, but the movie steered a little closer to the failings of the 2000s body kits obsessed and the brand was thought to be no more.

Some guy named Justin Lin convinced the powers at be to let him run with the Fast and Furious name, albeit with a completely new cast, story, direction, car style, and even different country. It was magical. Turns out real cars with real race car drivers was a great idea, and the budding drifting scene got a good injection as well. I've probably seen Tokyo Drift more times than any other movie in the franchise. I saw it in theaters a couple times, was my first blu ray, and continues to be a staple in my collection. Love it . LOVE IT. The story is pretty loose, the acting is so-so at times, but the cars are sweet and the driving and action shots are amazing. Fast and Furious (number 4) came out when I was in Abu Dhabi, so I saw that in the theater 3 times, then came Fast Five with the introduction of Dwayne Johnson, and then everyone thought it couldn't get any crazier-over-the-top-ridiculous-car stunts with Fast 6. They were wrong. Dead wrong. Enter Furious 7. If you haven't already scene the trailer (and even if you have) then watch it above. To put it lightly, cars flying out of a plane is not the most ridiculous stunt they did. And those cars aren't CGI either; they really did drop cars out of a plane, and they really did put trophy truck off road suspension on a Dodge Charger.

One of the funnest things about these movies is not that the stunts are grounded in reality, its that they aren't and yet they still are able to do so much in camera. The movie takes place in America, Europe, Asia, fucking everywhere. There's old cars, new cars, trucks, hot rods, imports, and euro luxury. I don't follow movies much before they come out, and I was glad to be surprised when I saw Tony Jaa on the mountain heist scene. Tony fucking Jaa!!! This guy is a muay thai master (thai kick boxing) and they put him to good use in the film. (Kinda reminds me of when Jet Li was the silent martial arts killer in Lethal Weapon 4, and I'll be watching the Ong Bak trilogy now to get me some more Tony Jaa. I own them all so why not?). Furious 7 also introduces Jason Statham as a mother fucking badass (easy to do) and Kurt Russell as a slick talking, laid back, black ops director; Mr Nobody. Jason's character is the older, badder brother of the very difficult to kill villain of Fast 6 and he is hellbent on bringing down the crew that almost iced his brother.

The good ol' British government had apparently given him all the skills he needs to bring down nations in a very covert and bloody way, and when they fail to retire him he becomes a ghost. Ghost resurfaces, steals some info, Mr Nobody hires a crew to do a job so that they have a chance to get ahead of said ghost, another mercenary crew and a tantalizing hacker get caught in the crossfire, bullets fly, punches are thrown, explosions ensue; as ridiculous as this movie gets you won't be able to exactly guess how they get from A to B. And you won't care; seeing how many cars, bullets, and punches are used from A to B is where its at anyhow. This movie is fucking awesome. I'm once again sweating just thinking about it; thinking about how tight I was holding my knees rocking back and forth in my seat like a crazy man yelling at the screen only to be drowned out by the aforementioned explosions.

This movie ain't Shakespeare, its not a Cohen brothers film, and it's not trying to be either one. They set out on a mission to be the most over the top franchise of car action flicks, and there's no one even close. 7/7 Fox Tails for Furious 7 (obvi) for their balls to the wall car stunts, super sweet chase scenes, fight scenes that make you check your own ribs, and because cars and Fast and Furious. 

I take this moment now for Paul Walker, who I've heard was as nice a guy on screen as he was off. He made this franchise what it is, and they made a very heartfelt and classy ending that made a grown bearded man like myself almost get wet behind the eyes. So raise your glass for Paul Walker, go rev your 1.8L non-VTEC engine, and go break into this beautiful Spring by checking out Furious 7. You won't be disappointed.

That's Not Enough Pizza

So I watch movies every now and again, that's no secret. In my single, loner (ie alone), living in the middle of nowhere days I was able to put down a movie every night during the week, and sometimes a few more during the weekend. Even before my poor ass was able to get internet, and therefore Netflix, I was able to get my fix for free from the local library (still do too, libraries are awesome!). So yeah, I've watched a few movies in my day; some good, some bad, some funny, some sad. Now that I enjoy an existence with live people to talk to and a reasonable bed time I'm limited to usually one movie a week, or maybe 2 if its the right weekend. I'm basically starving! Don't get me wrong, having a social life and a smoking hot honey make it almost bearable (ha!), but the love for cinema has not faded. I'm even reading a book by an actor right now for christ sakes. (And its awesome! Ron Perlman's book; I'm almost done so you'll get a review soon). Any who, my youngest sister shares this love for the theater (real theater too, she's quite the thespian and singer) and we will sometimes have conversations that are seemingly only quotes from movies and/or sprinkled with some key show lines. It is quite literally like those xfinity commercials where it just sounds like garbled words stringed together, only interrupted by my boisterous laugh or her hyena whistling cackle (we've been told we have notable and infectious laughs #truth). These conversations are sometimes via text as well; it gets a little out of control. So even though I watch a few less movies than before, apparently I still watch more than the average social being (I'm still dubious). My sister texted me the other day that she was confused about something in Inside Man. Its a thriller crime drama with a twisty plot, but it doesn't leave many loose ends so my sister's statement had me first scoffing, and then intrigued. I know shes seen it before, probably many times like I have (you don't watch movies more than once? How do you live? Do you only ever have steak once and then move on? Whatev, you're lost). I was ready to defend Inside Man, possibly even have to reiterate a certain scene line by line and cut by cut. Then I got her follow up text and I basically died.

Shittay. Shittay indeed. At least I know my sister has her priorities straight. Whenever there's a murder mystery, crime drama, hostage situation, or comedy of error whodunit, the real question is 'Is there enough pizza?'. Really, is there any other question? Is there?
Last weekend the question was 'how high?' as my buddy's son Jack was putting his new dual stomp rocket launcher to good use.

I was told the rocket colors need to match the launch pad. Jack knows best.

Not ever high enough is the answer from child and adult alike.

Then the question was 'what does one drink while playing HeroQuest?'.

Chaos Warriors ready for battle

Just a few guys reliving 1985

Code Red and Monster were two easy answers, but who knew a great Manhattan also made the list? Me, that's who. Cuz I'm a goddamn gamer, AND I like to party.
The question for you is 'what's goin on with the Vehicross?'.

Ready for some nip/tuck

Questions, questions, questions. Meaning of life? Did Padme die of a broken heart? Is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable? Does anyone care as long as its made into pizza sauce? Is there enough pizza? Is there?! Well that one I can answer: Of course not. There's never enough pizza. When there's more than you can eat, then you eat some more. If there's still more then it becomes leftover pizza, which is second ONLY to original pizza. Is there ever enough pizza? No. No there's not. Now go get yourself some pizza; I have a feeling Luce or Lake Harriet will be hearing from me shortly. Take 'er easy.

No thanks Turkish, I'm sweet enough

First of all, people are fucking dangerous. Some things like guns, vehicles, and words have the potential to be dangerous, but its the ones who wield them that have the true power. Reminds me of that scene in Don't Be a Menace to South Central while Drinking your Juice in the Hood when Ashtray is talking to this little kid.
Ashtray: Having a gun doesn't give you any power. You wanna know where the real power is?

Kid: In the bullets!

He tells him his mind is real power, but whatever. I'm talking about people being dangerous with their cars; something we deal with every time we merge onto the highway, turn into a grocery store parking lot, or decide to walk across an intersection. You know these people; you see them every day. The person who tries to split 2 cars on the highway, no turn signal, then decides to get back into their original lane. 'Holy shit!' you say as you tense up ready to swerve and hit the brakes as you can see the collision about to unfold in front of your eyes. It doesn't, hopefully, and you think 'How many times can this person cheat death?'. That is until you see the missing body panel on the late model Taurus they're driving. Or the wrong color hood. The evidence is in plain site that this person wants to commit vehicular manslaughter, crunch your baby, create a road block,or at the very least disrupt your day. Get your shit together people. But this isn't a rant blog. No need to hear what grinds my gears each week. This blog is light; its about fun.

So, back to what brings me joy. Back to what brings me pleasure. Back to the sweets.

The Bombay Sweets . 

These guys rocked the house at the Turf Club last night as the opening gig. I hadn't been to the Turf Club in awhile, and it recently had a makeover so I was pretty excited to make it out that night. The Sweets have had a reserved place in my heart ever since I saw them once upon a time at the Amsterdam. I had just driven up from Iowa late on a Friday night and my brother was doing a simple show there that I was able to stop by for. I think the Bombay Sweets were after him, don't really remember, but it was love at first listen. It was cold, I had just driven for 4 hours, alone, and was about to snuggle up with a hoppy brew. Before I know it, magic was in the air; this old style guitar twanging with a nice strong beat on the tom toms reminding me of a Tarantino opening. It immediately caught my attention and I snuck in a little closer. It was so cool and fresh to hear an old school type beat with this slightly strained voice floating above it; just two guys, a guitar, and this funky stand up drum set with bedazzled glitter all over it (apparently called a cocktail drum set). They were awesome. I picked up their self titled album, listened to it non-stop on the drive home a few days later, and then threw it on my ipod shortly after. The music is suited for all occasions and times; chilling in the living room, rocking it on a run, short drive to the market or long drive back to loved ones. It was a taste I couldn't get anywhere else, and I looked forward to the next show that never came. Until last night. They had played other shows here and there, but not for awhile and not that I was able to get to. My lady saw the show posted somewhere and asked me if I wanted to go; I ordered 2 tickets right then and placed it on our google calendar. No one changes the google calendar. No one.

 Nate and Jeff may not have known it, but it was our reunion night (creepy); and I was STOKED. The Turf Club looked great, a good crowd was already shuffling in, Jeff's beard was amazing, and the amps were warmed up. The music is loud (we're only 20' away) but not overpowering. Its so smooth you just drink it in (along with your $5 Furious). This is what happiness feels like; my pretty lady at my side, a good brew on the other, and the sweet nostalgic rockin' of an old friend bringing you all in just a little closer. Tap your feet and bob your head; the music is infectious and can't help but put a smile on your face. Unlike many lost loves that don't seem to create the same spark they once did, the Bombay Sweets only strengthened it. And like that juicy burger, that cool brew, and that last embrace, the Bombay Sweets never last long enough. Thank you Jeff and Nate, as it was once again great while it lasted. Unfortunately we weren't able to stay for the Pink Mink or Swami John Reis & The Blind Shake; damn Thursdays. But that night has once again ignited my desire to go see more live local music, and hopefully this time it sticks. I should be able to hold onto this high all weekend, and maybe I can find that old Sweets cd and pop it in my '97 Subie (hell yeah I rock a cd player). You all have a great weekend now, and look for the Bombay Sweets on iTunes, Amazon, or whatever digital venue you prefer; they're there, I checked. Take 'er easy.

Automatic Turn Signals

Enter the 2015 Cadillac Escalade with top of the line V8 engine, 8 speed automatic transmission, back-up camera with multiple sensors, leather seats, magnetic ride control, intelligent headlights, and probably lots of other unnecessary bullshit. The engineers seem pretty hard at work cramming as many features, gizmos, and doodads into the brand new Escalade, and bulking it up as necessary to do so. More room! More shit! is what the people call for, and the Escalade gladly delivers. Of course design has to fit somewhere, but apparently those guys just threw in the towel and handed it over to the engineers. So what did they do? The logical thing; they made a box. 'You can fit all kinds of shit into a box' Senior Engineer Bill tells us. The 2015 Escalade is basically a beefed up hearse. I mean, look at that back end. If that doesn't scream 'put another big box inside of me', then I don't know what does. And this transportation of the deceased (or soon to be) will get you there in style with available 22" rims. Yup, 22 inches; slightly larger than my dick when its taped to a 20" stick. Do you know what size rim the Escalade was released with waaaaaaay back in 1999? 16. Pussy.
I saw one of these behemoths the other day, and although I wasn't much of a fan before, this thing is a joke. Cars are getting bigger and bigger, and they're getting more and more stuff to make your commute as disconnected possible. Rear back up camera? Okay, that makes sense; these things are big and hard to correctly gauge distance when backing up. But what about on a sweet little Honda Fit? Yup, they have 'em too (along with the many other ridiculous and unnecessary options available to every car these days).

'Oh my gosh, what is this wet stuff coming from the sky? Its making my vision through the windshield all blurry; what do I do?!' Its called rain, and you should turn on your windshield wipers. Don't worry if you're in the Escalade though; it has rain sensing windshield wipers so you can continue jawwing on your phone and ignore the seemingly miniature world outside your monstrosity. 'But what happens when that big glowy thing in the sky goes away? How will I get to Starbucks then?' First, its called the Sun. Two, it sounds like its now evening so why do you need coffee? Forgive me, you're probably heading to third shift in your Escalade. Well don't fret cuz there's automatic headlights too when it gets dark out. Which means that during the 'magic hour' called dusk when its misting and kinda difficult to see you'll be as bright as Forrest Gump in his 3rd grade spelling bee. Turns out these Cadillac folks have taken it a step further and have sensors to detect other headlights and taillights. Why? So you can keep your high beams on all the time and it will auto-dim them when other cars are detected. Its called 'Intellibeam'. I really see this not working well in actual practice.

When did we all become so obsessed with not actually driving our cars, but using them as media centers that can also transport us? I love listening to Pandora too; I also like direct steering, precise suspension, changing my own gears, and paying attention while I'm driving so that things like windshield wipers, headlights, and turn signals come on when they're supposed to. Sorry Caddy Club, but no automatic turn signals yet.
The Escalade has hosts of these functions that they tout as 'Safety features' (just like all the other cars and trucks out there), but really it would be more safe if you actually just focused on driving instead of giving the new D'Angelo song a 'thumbs up' on your center console. Hands free devices are great, but really they're just trying to make an unsafe situation slightly safer. Seriously, when was the last time you had 2 hands on the steering wheel anyway?

So next time you're tearing up 169 South and rerouting your GPS to Caribou instead of Starbucks (cuz you're a supporter of local business duh) maybe try and use your turn signal and look out the window once or twice; airbags are super expensive and that Corolla you just took out doesn't weigh 8 metric tons so no matter how many safety features IT has, physics says its not gonna end well. Oh yeah, and one more thing; you're slowing down my fucking commute. My '97 Subaru doesn't have Pandora and the Current is in the middle of a member drive. Fucker. Of course I can always get a bluetooth enabled head unit, but when that second car hit you from behind your airbag was already deflated and your face attempted to marry itself to the leather stitched steering wheel; you lost a tooth in the divorce. That shit's for life.

Now some cats. Take 'er easy.

Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog

No, I'm not beefing up on my yoga poses (although my lady says I can join her anytime), this is about  the action crashing, mind twisting, face melting, and possibly epileptic episode inducing sci-fi action thriller titled Edge of Tomorrow. The tag line Live, Die, Repeat itself conjures up a variety of thoughts. Immortals maybe? Zombies perhaps? Nope; this is a sci-fi blockbuster and that means only the most cerebral of conundrums will do: time travel. Gun it to 88 Doc.

But time travel isn't enough for these science fiction freaks. There's aliens, super soldier exo suits, Bill Paxton (the only actor to be killed by an Alien, Predator, and Terminator), and oh yeah, a chick with a sword. She's like 'Fuck guns, a big ass anime looking manga sword is all I need'. And its awesome. Oh, is it awesome. This bad ass bitch is played by none other than Emily Blunt. She's played a variety of roles, and has dabbled with some other sweet time traveling sci fi before (Looper anyone?) but this role puts her not only in the front of an action movie but directly in the driver's seat. You see those triceps pop each time Tom Cruise's character meets her, which needless to say is a lot.

Powerful, cool, and maybe just a tad sexy. Okay, pretty sexy. But you can tell this chick doesn't mess around when you see her on the battlefield. Speaking of battlefield, the movie opens with Cruise's character, Cage, getting thrown under the bus and involuntarily receiving a front line spot to the battlefield he's been rallying support for. He was perfectly happy when his support didn't involve pulling a trigger, but the General had other plans. Cage stumbles through his day of training, barely makes it out of the drop ship alive, and bares witness to the alien apocalypse version of Normandy. Freak events occur, Cage dies, and then he ends up reliving the previous 24 hours only to be killed on the battle field again. And again. And again. And again. You get the idea. Its essentially a more bloody, deadly, and alien infused sadistic version of Groundhog Day. Speaking of aliens, these things are gnarly. Heinous beings plucked out of an imaginative child's REM sleep. Actually more like a man's sleep; children shouldn't know these things. The horrific creatures are fast, destructive, carry multiple appendages, eye wincing squeals, have subterranean tendencies, seemingly bullet proof, and generally hunt in packs. You would feel pretty great taking down a single one if only you wouldn't turn to find the other 5 ripping apart your back. Okay, gotta calm down. Gettin' myself all amped talking about it so now I'm gonna have to go out and buy it. Pop it in the PS3, watch, repeat. An easy choice considering how sweet it was the first time, and if by no other merit than it has Exo suits as well. I basically must watch/own almost any movie with them. Love 'em. I LOVE THEM. Off the top of my head I can think of Aliens, Matrix Revolutions, and Avatar; I'm sure there's many more but I'm just too excited to think now. And yes, I have many Exosquad action figures, both from childhood and adult life (they seem so much cheaper as an adult). Anyway, back to Tomorrow. This movie rocks. Acting is solid, characters are cool and have time to be fleshed out and developed. A cool/strange benefit of reliving the same day over and over is that you can have 100s of interactions between characters over similar circumstances without them aging like some kind of crazy montage of character growth. Pretty fun, huh? I give this time bending, alien killing, exo-suit bearing, metaphysical masterpiece an easy 7/7 fox tails. Acting is great, special effects are top notch, story line is fleshed out (especially well for time travel), and its just plain fun. Fun to watch, fun to think about, fun to discuss, and fun to watch. It came out last Summer but you can still find it at many Redbox locations, or even pick it up from your local library for free dizzle (that's what I did). Pop it in. Watch. Repeat.

Big whoop, you wanna fight about it?

Yeah, so I haven't put up a post in awhile. Big whoop, you wanna fight about it? I could blame the holidays; I've been busy. Well, kinda busy. Okay fine, the office wasn't really that busy, but maybe I just didn't have anything to talk about. My mind was too focused on what I was gonna get for Christmas (ME,ME,ME). My lady did get me a pretty sweet Ninja Turtle Chia pet. You grow his shell, or at least you're supposed to. Not much luck yet, but he does sit in a cold office most of the day.

Hopefully I can update you next week with a few sprouts as I leave him over the weekend with no light and no water (its a Chia pet, come on). 

The holidays were actually pretty great; I got a good haul and I had one of the best times ever handing out gifts I picked out for my family. Otherwise I haven't done much anything of note lately. The SoMo men's broomball team has had a rough start with 2 losses (Go SoMo!), but we're really coming together and I feel good about our next 2 games against what appears to be the runt of our little league. Come cheer us on; Mondays at 6pm at Matthew's Park. 

Haven't watched much lately either (or at least something that has enticed me to write a full review), but we did watch 3 Days to Kill the other night and that was pretty fun. Kevin Costner was awesome and the french setting with Euro cars is a nice change of scenery. Too much family crap for me, but it was funny and the action was cool whenever it came up so I give it 4/7 Fox Tails. 

I'm still not fully back into the swing of things yet, so I'll just finish with some pics of someone else's project; a solid axle swapped (SAS) VehiCross that I've been following on vehicross.info. There's not much aftermarket for the VX, and certainly no SAS kit so a lot of work and creative thinking has gone into this beast. Check out all his pics here. Nice work Rado!

Front Pumpkin

New Front Long Travel Shock

Fully locked and ready to ROCK!