Automatic Turn Signals

Enter the 2015 Cadillac Escalade with top of the line V8 engine, 8 speed automatic transmission, back-up camera with multiple sensors, leather seats, magnetic ride control, intelligent headlights, and probably lots of other unnecessary bullshit. The engineers seem pretty hard at work cramming as many features, gizmos, and doodads into the brand new Escalade, and bulking it up as necessary to do so. More room! More shit! is what the people call for, and the Escalade gladly delivers. Of course design has to fit somewhere, but apparently those guys just threw in the towel and handed it over to the engineers. So what did they do? The logical thing; they made a box. 'You can fit all kinds of shit into a box' Senior Engineer Bill tells us. The 2015 Escalade is basically a beefed up hearse. I mean, look at that back end. If that doesn't scream 'put another big box inside of me', then I don't know what does. And this transportation of the deceased (or soon to be) will get you there in style with available 22" rims. Yup, 22 inches; slightly larger than my dick when its taped to a 20" stick. Do you know what size rim the Escalade was released with waaaaaaay back in 1999? 16. Pussy.
I saw one of these behemoths the other day, and although I wasn't much of a fan before, this thing is a joke. Cars are getting bigger and bigger, and they're getting more and more stuff to make your commute as disconnected possible. Rear back up camera? Okay, that makes sense; these things are big and hard to correctly gauge distance when backing up. But what about on a sweet little Honda Fit? Yup, they have 'em too (along with the many other ridiculous and unnecessary options available to every car these days).

'Oh my gosh, what is this wet stuff coming from the sky? Its making my vision through the windshield all blurry; what do I do?!' Its called rain, and you should turn on your windshield wipers. Don't worry if you're in the Escalade though; it has rain sensing windshield wipers so you can continue jawwing on your phone and ignore the seemingly miniature world outside your monstrosity. 'But what happens when that big glowy thing in the sky goes away? How will I get to Starbucks then?' First, its called the Sun. Two, it sounds like its now evening so why do you need coffee? Forgive me, you're probably heading to third shift in your Escalade. Well don't fret cuz there's automatic headlights too when it gets dark out. Which means that during the 'magic hour' called dusk when its misting and kinda difficult to see you'll be as bright as Forrest Gump in his 3rd grade spelling bee. Turns out these Cadillac folks have taken it a step further and have sensors to detect other headlights and taillights. Why? So you can keep your high beams on all the time and it will auto-dim them when other cars are detected. Its called 'Intellibeam'. I really see this not working well in actual practice.

When did we all become so obsessed with not actually driving our cars, but using them as media centers that can also transport us? I love listening to Pandora too; I also like direct steering, precise suspension, changing my own gears, and paying attention while I'm driving so that things like windshield wipers, headlights, and turn signals come on when they're supposed to. Sorry Caddy Club, but no automatic turn signals yet.
The Escalade has hosts of these functions that they tout as 'Safety features' (just like all the other cars and trucks out there), but really it would be more safe if you actually just focused on driving instead of giving the new D'Angelo song a 'thumbs up' on your center console. Hands free devices are great, but really they're just trying to make an unsafe situation slightly safer. Seriously, when was the last time you had 2 hands on the steering wheel anyway?

So next time you're tearing up 169 South and rerouting your GPS to Caribou instead of Starbucks (cuz you're a supporter of local business duh) maybe try and use your turn signal and look out the window once or twice; airbags are super expensive and that Corolla you just took out doesn't weigh 8 metric tons so no matter how many safety features IT has, physics says its not gonna end well. Oh yeah, and one more thing; you're slowing down my fucking commute. My '97 Subaru doesn't have Pandora and the Current is in the middle of a member drive. Fucker. Of course I can always get a bluetooth enabled head unit, but when that second car hit you from behind your airbag was already deflated and your face attempted to marry itself to the leather stitched steering wheel; you lost a tooth in the divorce. That shit's for life.

Now some cats. Take 'er easy.