Ablaze Balls

Envelope meet push. I know, I know; its been a few weeks and you haven't been able to get you Fox blog fix. Pucker up and prep for a double dose cuz you are getting an exclusive movie review. If you follow this blog at all, know me at all, love me at all, then you already know what it is. Yes ladies and gents, I went to Furious 7 last night, and the envelope as they say has been pushed. Pushed out of reach, pushed beyond beyond, a la this film cannot be touched. It was Ablaze Balls. I tried to text my buddy after cuz I was still so amped up, and my phone decided on 'ablaze' instead of 'amaze'; I caught it before sending but figured it worked anyway.
Ablaze balls: uh-bleyz bawlz : when one's balls or respective genitalia is glowing as to be on the verge of bursting into flame because of extreme excitement and/or surge of adrenalin because awesomness.

Furious 7 was indeed Ablaze Balls.

To say this movie is action packed is a gross understatement. You can literally not pack any more adrenalin fueled car chasing, airplane dropping, offroad trucking, hypercar speedin', sexy bitch fightin', suplex driving, monster wrench dueling, and predator seeking action into a single film. Not possible, no how. Before I get all amped again (too late) lets take a step back for a moment to where this all began; The Fast and the Furious. The year was 2001, I was 16, and my only car at the time was powered by a 6 cell battery. I didn't know what a Supra was, an RX-7, a '70s Charger, boobs, et cetera, et cetera. But I liked cars. I loved cars. I lived to take things apart; a clock, my RC car, my bike, whatever. The Fast and The Furious came out and I've had an erection ever since. True Story. 2 Fast 2 Furious introduced Tyrese and Luda, but the movie steered a little closer to the failings of the 2000s body kits obsessed and the brand was thought to be no more.

Some guy named Justin Lin convinced the powers at be to let him run with the Fast and Furious name, albeit with a completely new cast, story, direction, car style, and even different country. It was magical. Turns out real cars with real race car drivers was a great idea, and the budding drifting scene got a good injection as well. I've probably seen Tokyo Drift more times than any other movie in the franchise. I saw it in theaters a couple times, was my first blu ray, and continues to be a staple in my collection. Love it . LOVE IT. The story is pretty loose, the acting is so-so at times, but the cars are sweet and the driving and action shots are amazing. Fast and Furious (number 4) came out when I was in Abu Dhabi, so I saw that in the theater 3 times, then came Fast Five with the introduction of Dwayne Johnson, and then everyone thought it couldn't get any crazier-over-the-top-ridiculous-car stunts with Fast 6. They were wrong. Dead wrong. Enter Furious 7. If you haven't already scene the trailer (and even if you have) then watch it above. To put it lightly, cars flying out of a plane is not the most ridiculous stunt they did. And those cars aren't CGI either; they really did drop cars out of a plane, and they really did put trophy truck off road suspension on a Dodge Charger.

One of the funnest things about these movies is not that the stunts are grounded in reality, its that they aren't and yet they still are able to do so much in camera. The movie takes place in America, Europe, Asia, fucking everywhere. There's old cars, new cars, trucks, hot rods, imports, and euro luxury. I don't follow movies much before they come out, and I was glad to be surprised when I saw Tony Jaa on the mountain heist scene. Tony fucking Jaa!!! This guy is a muay thai master (thai kick boxing) and they put him to good use in the film. (Kinda reminds me of when Jet Li was the silent martial arts killer in Lethal Weapon 4, and I'll be watching the Ong Bak trilogy now to get me some more Tony Jaa. I own them all so why not?). Furious 7 also introduces Jason Statham as a mother fucking badass (easy to do) and Kurt Russell as a slick talking, laid back, black ops director; Mr Nobody. Jason's character is the older, badder brother of the very difficult to kill villain of Fast 6 and he is hellbent on bringing down the crew that almost iced his brother.

The good ol' British government had apparently given him all the skills he needs to bring down nations in a very covert and bloody way, and when they fail to retire him he becomes a ghost. Ghost resurfaces, steals some info, Mr Nobody hires a crew to do a job so that they have a chance to get ahead of said ghost, another mercenary crew and a tantalizing hacker get caught in the crossfire, bullets fly, punches are thrown, explosions ensue; as ridiculous as this movie gets you won't be able to exactly guess how they get from A to B. And you won't care; seeing how many cars, bullets, and punches are used from A to B is where its at anyhow. This movie is fucking awesome. I'm once again sweating just thinking about it; thinking about how tight I was holding my knees rocking back and forth in my seat like a crazy man yelling at the screen only to be drowned out by the aforementioned explosions.

This movie ain't Shakespeare, its not a Cohen brothers film, and it's not trying to be either one. They set out on a mission to be the most over the top franchise of car action flicks, and there's no one even close. 7/7 Fox Tails for Furious 7 (obvi) for their balls to the wall car stunts, super sweet chase scenes, fight scenes that make you check your own ribs, and because cars and Fast and Furious. 

I take this moment now for Paul Walker, who I've heard was as nice a guy on screen as he was off. He made this franchise what it is, and they made a very heartfelt and classy ending that made a grown bearded man like myself almost get wet behind the eyes. So raise your glass for Paul Walker, go rev your 1.8L non-VTEC engine, and go break into this beautiful Spring by checking out Furious 7. You won't be disappointed.