Suck on that Truth Cock

Short intro before the blog entry. My lady and I were watching some Numb3rs the other day when she solved one of the cases before I or the characters in the show had figured it out. Not exactly a wondrous feat, but I digress. She blurts out her conclusion as if it is fact, followed by 'Suck on that Truth Cock'. Yup, that's a new one for me. I believes this can be translated as saying 'This is truth, the truth is not good, ergo you must suck it'. But I guess its open to interpretation. And so on with this blog entry: Suck on that Truth Cock.

The days have come and gone. The temperature went up and back down. It rained, sleeted, and then dumped snow. But through all this my brother's Mini Cooper S remained the same; reliably undependable. Good thing I have vehicles to spare whenever this chode of an issue rears its phallic head. First a short back story on my brother's life with the Mini brand. He first acquired a Mini S for a short time before a deployment to one of the many deserts in the Middle East. Yes my brother is in the military, and yes, he drove a Mini to the base in Kansas each day with all the other military personnel. 'You pick up dudes in that car sir?' his soldiers would ask him.

 'I think that thing will fit in the back of my truck sir' another would chime in. This highly trained military officer with already one tour in Iraq under his belt had nothing to prove. The Mini S is fast, quick, great interior, over 30 mpg, and chicks think its cute. He had that car for only a few months before heading on another tour to the great sandy, but the damage was done. He had fallen in love. Fast forward a few more years and my brother had a masters degree, finished his military contract, and moved on to fulfill a career in teaching. No, not gym class. This battle hardened man had other ideas. Philosophy. Anywho, his love had not been lost over that time and he was in need of a vehicle once again and so the hunt began. He acquired a Mini Cooper S once again. This time the Mini's had switched from a supercharger to a turbocharger in the S models for a slight bump in horsepower without sacrificing fuel economy (perhaps I'll describe the difference in forced air induction another time). Once again my brother was walking on the clouds. Quickly skirting the edge of town, the surge of the engine begging him to push just a little farther up the tach before pouncing on the slow pedal. But alas the love was not meant to be, and the quirks of the Mini that induced the love once before, became problems that made one question their relationship. Just the tip. His Mini was no longer under warranty and so his meager teacher income had a taste of the auto shop's 'Mini' hunger. People may not know but the Mini brand was resurrected by BMW. The same company which makes those mid to high end luxury cars, and the Mini brand is no different. Things that would be routine on a similar domestic car are all of sudden thousands of dollars for the unique Mini. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. One thing, then another, then another, and another. Love was starting to wane, and then the Mini took a metaphorical dump on his literal chest; the engine had shit the bed. 'Let's hold out hope' the shop said to sooth my brother, 'it may be repairable'. But it wasn't. This diagnosis alone was already in the thousands, and now a reputable used engine had to be sourced. My brother was crushed. He finally buried his past memories and burned his former pictures. We're in survival mode now. Okay, so it didn't work out exactly like that. The car was more or less worthless without a working engine and so it was replaced. You can ask him yourself about the numbers game, but it was plenty high. The engine was the previous source of many issues, so replacing it means the issues will go away, right? The car seemed fine for a few months, but this veiny shaft bastard of a car wouldn't go down until full penetration was reached. Same timing chain issues cropped up. The fan stopped working. The car switched shops. Fan fixed (a loose wire connection and <insert ridiculous amount>/hr for labor). Winter came. The cold came. The heat stopped working. Traced to a coolant leak. Too expensive to fix, so dump in coolant weekly. Then the dirty, sleety, road spraying crap came. Easy, fill with windshield washer fluid. Check. Fill again. Head release breaks.

 WHAT THE F#*K! I can't even open the hood to put goddamn windshield washer fluid in the car! Let us just take a moment now to pray. My brother is a good guy, I swear. He doesn't deserve this. Truthfully, no one deserves this. He served our country, he teaches young minds philosophy and art, he entered the National Guard to further support our country and state, he's an Eagle scout, he's funny, nice, cool, helpful... and this Mini is a dick.

Okay, so the 'short' back story went on a little long, but I just had to let it out. The world needs to know about the Mini S. When these problems originally started I hit the forums to see if his Mini was unique. Turns out this engine has known issues and many people don't keep the car when the warranty expires. The worst part is the reviews. At first glance you'll think the car is great; 5 stars, 5 stars, 4 stars, 5 stars. People love this car! But then you read the reviews; the car is in the shop constantly. These people are insane! If a car is in the shop all the time, then it is not a good car. We should all agree on this. Good cars run well with regular maintenance. Bad cars don't run well no matter the maintenance level. Maybe it's the French engine? The British construction? The German ownership? I don't know, and I would love to hear someone's explanation.

Soon up we'll have my reviews for Jack Reacher and The Last Stand. Spoiler alert: the fox tail count will be low for these 2. But for now lets just remember the Mini S; you now know the truth and if you choose to own it then you choose to suck it. The Truth Cock.