Tammy, Teeth!

I love zombie movies. Love 'em. I loved 'em when I was younger because of all the suspense, the gore, the special effects. And I love them now for the same reasons while also being able to comprehend all the social commentary that you can fit into them. I watched Fido a few years ago on Netflix, and I decided to come back to it again. It was one of those times when you're trying to figure out what movie to watch, and after looking through all the recent releases and additions you find out that your partner hasn't seen a gem like this.  Fido is currently available on Netflix and Amazon streaming (and I'm sure others). Sidenote: I recently started trying instant streaming on Amazon instead of Netflix; Amazon has the added bonus of being able to rent movies for a fee and also watch the preview before committing to it (super convenient). Amazon prime members get many free streaming movies; and by free I mean you have to pay to be a member, but I digress. Fido.

Fido is set in an alternate 1950s America after a zombie apocalypse where the zombies are now controlled by a collar which eliminates their hunger for flesh and essentially makes them into slaves. It is a comedy of how and why society functions, where we fit in, and then has the occasional 'wild' zombie take out an innocent. Zombies are used as a mask and a make-up call that we need to be mindful and think critically about the world and our (and others) role in it. The 1950s theme is great with the stay at home mothers, each with 1 or 2 children, the husband coming home from the office each day to a home cooked meal, and now with a zombie slave to set the table and bring out the roast. A boy named Timmy is the lead in the movie, and his family gets their first zombie which he ends up naming Fido. Fido becomes his playmate, general companion, and even protector in a few situations. Watching zombies bumble around throwing newspapers, bringing out groceries, and watering lawns never seems to get old; its absolutely hilarious. Another comedic zombie movie, Shaun of the Dead, ends with zombies being used in a similar fashion of slavery so its not new, but Fido continues the idea. 'Are zombies alive or dead?' Timmy asks, as he gets laughed at by his entire class and the Zomcon security chief brushes it off. Zombies are slaves, and no one questions why they are the way they are. It just is. Blindness essentially. It works so who cares? Kinda like most people and their cars. PS the Mini didn't start last week and is contemplating its own existence in an empty parking lot as the windchill has dropped below 40 today. Yeah, negative 40 degrees.

Fido is filled with strong developing characters and themes that literally knock you in the head. Fido seems to have thought even though he is treated as mindless. The wife/mother makes decisions without her 'man', is the better shot, all while wearing heels. She is strong, and he is weak. The zombie thinks, and the people do not. You can be 8 IPAs deep and still pull out these basic ones, and there's many smaller ideas sprinkled throughout to have some other great conversation starters. The Zomcon war hero neighbor, the ex-Zomcon employee neighbor (with young female zombie companion), the scared husband; all the characters are in there and more. Don't feel like thinking? That's okay too! Fido's collar gets damaged early on and ends up starting a mini zombie outbreak in town with an old woman getting the first bite. You can never watch a 10 year old boy beat his nasty old neighbor with a shovel enough times. 'I'm sorry Mrs. Henderson' Timmy squeaks out as the spade comes down on her neck for the final blow. This movie is fun, funny, smart, and is just over the top enough to make you question if you really should be laughing at that scene or not. I give Fido 5/7 Fox Tails, and it earned every single one.

Now for a beer note. I was at one of my favorite local eateries, The Lowbrow, moving through another one of their delicious burgers and decided to wash it down with a serving of Lucid Duce. Lucid brewery is based out of Minnetonka, MN and this is one of their seasonal red beers. With a slightly higher alcohol content, 8%, it has a great red amber color and a slightly sweet finish. My firebreather burger took a bit away from it as its a pretty easy going beer, but the taste was still quite delicious without the bite of my regular IPAs. The only disappointment was the 12oz pour, but I made up for that by ordering a second. Stay warm and stay thirsty.

Suck on that Truth Cock

Short intro before the blog entry. My lady and I were watching some Numb3rs the other day when she solved one of the cases before I or the characters in the show had figured it out. Not exactly a wondrous feat, but I digress. She blurts out her conclusion as if it is fact, followed by 'Suck on that Truth Cock'. Yup, that's a new one for me. I believes this can be translated as saying 'This is truth, the truth is not good, ergo you must suck it'. But I guess its open to interpretation. And so on with this blog entry: Suck on that Truth Cock.

The days have come and gone. The temperature went up and back down. It rained, sleeted, and then dumped snow. But through all this my brother's Mini Cooper S remained the same; reliably undependable. Good thing I have vehicles to spare whenever this chode of an issue rears its phallic head. First a short back story on my brother's life with the Mini brand. He first acquired a Mini S for a short time before a deployment to one of the many deserts in the Middle East. Yes my brother is in the military, and yes, he drove a Mini to the base in Kansas each day with all the other military personnel. 'You pick up dudes in that car sir?' his soldiers would ask him.

 'I think that thing will fit in the back of my truck sir' another would chime in. This highly trained military officer with already one tour in Iraq under his belt had nothing to prove. The Mini S is fast, quick, great interior, over 30 mpg, and chicks think its cute. He had that car for only a few months before heading on another tour to the great sandy, but the damage was done. He had fallen in love. Fast forward a few more years and my brother had a masters degree, finished his military contract, and moved on to fulfill a career in teaching. No, not gym class. This battle hardened man had other ideas. Philosophy. Anywho, his love had not been lost over that time and he was in need of a vehicle once again and so the hunt began. He acquired a Mini Cooper S once again. This time the Mini's had switched from a supercharger to a turbocharger in the S models for a slight bump in horsepower without sacrificing fuel economy (perhaps I'll describe the difference in forced air induction another time). Once again my brother was walking on the clouds. Quickly skirting the edge of town, the surge of the engine begging him to push just a little farther up the tach before pouncing on the slow pedal. But alas the love was not meant to be, and the quirks of the Mini that induced the love once before, became problems that made one question their relationship. Just the tip. His Mini was no longer under warranty and so his meager teacher income had a taste of the auto shop's 'Mini' hunger. People may not know but the Mini brand was resurrected by BMW. The same company which makes those mid to high end luxury cars, and the Mini brand is no different. Things that would be routine on a similar domestic car are all of sudden thousands of dollars for the unique Mini. One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. One thing, then another, then another, and another. Love was starting to wane, and then the Mini took a metaphorical dump on his literal chest; the engine had shit the bed. 'Let's hold out hope' the shop said to sooth my brother, 'it may be repairable'. But it wasn't. This diagnosis alone was already in the thousands, and now a reputable used engine had to be sourced. My brother was crushed. He finally buried his past memories and burned his former pictures. We're in survival mode now. Okay, so it didn't work out exactly like that. The car was more or less worthless without a working engine and so it was replaced. You can ask him yourself about the numbers game, but it was plenty high. The engine was the previous source of many issues, so replacing it means the issues will go away, right? The car seemed fine for a few months, but this veiny shaft bastard of a car wouldn't go down until full penetration was reached. Same timing chain issues cropped up. The fan stopped working. The car switched shops. Fan fixed (a loose wire connection and <insert ridiculous amount>/hr for labor). Winter came. The cold came. The heat stopped working. Traced to a coolant leak. Too expensive to fix, so dump in coolant weekly. Then the dirty, sleety, road spraying crap came. Easy, fill with windshield washer fluid. Check. Fill again. Head release breaks.

 WHAT THE F#*K! I can't even open the hood to put goddamn windshield washer fluid in the car! Let us just take a moment now to pray. My brother is a good guy, I swear. He doesn't deserve this. Truthfully, no one deserves this. He served our country, he teaches young minds philosophy and art, he entered the National Guard to further support our country and state, he's an Eagle scout, he's funny, nice, cool, helpful... and this Mini is a dick.

Okay, so the 'short' back story went on a little long, but I just had to let it out. The world needs to know about the Mini S. When these problems originally started I hit the forums to see if his Mini was unique. Turns out this engine has known issues and many people don't keep the car when the warranty expires. The worst part is the reviews. At first glance you'll think the car is great; 5 stars, 5 stars, 4 stars, 5 stars. People love this car! But then you read the reviews; the car is in the shop constantly. These people are insane! If a car is in the shop all the time, then it is not a good car. We should all agree on this. Good cars run well with regular maintenance. Bad cars don't run well no matter the maintenance level. Maybe it's the French engine? The British construction? The German ownership? I don't know, and I would love to hear someone's explanation.

Soon up we'll have my reviews for Jack Reacher and The Last Stand. Spoiler alert: the fox tail count will be low for these 2. But for now lets just remember the Mini S; you now know the truth and if you choose to own it then you choose to suck it. The Truth Cock.

Geriatrics Caution

Before I start I want to say that I don't like Apple products. They have a cool, simple design. They generally operate well and have a long life. However the designers are so smart that they must have skipped a few grades, and the base of education was among them.

Kindergarten. Lets face it, Apple does not always play well with others. I have no problem with my android devices playing with Apple (after a requisite app is downloaded and often necessary) but Apple does not like google. My most recent interaction is attempting to type out this blog this morning on an ipad. Goo. It works, but they don't make it easy. The only way to scroll down is with the arrow key on the keyboard; swiping the screen does nothing. Which begs the question, how would I scroll to edit my post without a keyboard? I'll move on. There's orange glaze rolls coming fresh out of the oven and I got a brand new Batman onesie in which to snuggle. And yes, it has a cape. 

Without more ado, Geriatrics Caution: RED 2 review.

For those of you not in the know, RED 2 is the sequel to the very popular and star studded cast of RED. Uninteresting sequel title perhaps, but RED 2 has nothing to prove. The cast is mostly made up of actors getting on in their years, but an elderly and dramatic movie this is not. The returning cast of Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, and Brian Cox are joined by many others to demonstrate that they may have a few years, films, (and awards) under their belt, but that won't stop them from making a fun, action packed, laugh at yourself film that keeps you grinning from ear to ear. I must say that Malkovich was my fav from the first movie and he continues his streak. He also has the unique, cooky, character that talks like he doesn't care but always comes to the rescue of his friends. Albeit constantly having side plans and objectives that add spice to the already rich story. I must repeat, this is not a dramatic movie with Coen-esque dialogue, and we don't want it. We want Helen Mirren walking around with sniper rifles as tall as she is, Willis jumping around like a young 40 year old, and Cox with his irregular Russian cheer. I really can't give away too much, but I'm upset with myself for waiting this long to watch it. This movie was well worth a theater visit. I had to pause the movie a record 9 times, the first time within the first 10 seconds. Side effect of watching with a few ladies I guess. Whatev, I got some home made cookies and peeled clementines out of the deal. I give RED 2 (Retired Extremely Dangerous) 6/7 Fox Tails for its unique humor, perfect amount of action, great final chase scene, and universal audience appeal.

Although you should figure it out from the cut scenes and many other cues, these movies are derived from a popular graphic novel series (aka comic books). I love this genre and I think its a fresh way to get more and more scripts pumped into Hollywood. And I must mention the final chase scene of RED 2. A great looking Lotus tears up the screen with banter between its 2 occupants while being run down by Range Rovers. The Lotus, a new Exige S, is true automotive art; a canvas worthy of The Met. The Best Never Rest, and neither should you. Sleep is for the idle.

Balls Cold

Yet another wonderful day in the northern tundra of Minnesota. Weather.com currently has Minneapolis at a -14 and 'feels like' at -27 and bitterly cold. Feels like? As in you can't feel much of anything at these temps. As in it is 'Balls Cold' out. I'm sure I'm not the only one to use this term, and it doesn't really have a definition other than adding the word 'balls' as an adjective. Incorrect grammar it may be, but balls cold nonetheless. As in emperor penguin searching for months for the one awesome pebble and then travel inland for miles to find me a mate only to coo for hours without finding my honey and allow my poor testes to be swallowed inside themselves cold. Run on sentence? Possibly. Cold? Definitely. That's 'Balls Cold'.

1997 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport

And on this note I want to say how my most recent daily driver pick late this fall, a 1997 Subaru Impreza Outback Sport, has been a champ so far this winter season. 15 years and over 200 thousand miles has not stopped this puppy from starting each and every morning without so much as a groan. The all wheel drive is a dream, and he gets much better gas mileage than my awesomely impractical Vehicross. I love my VX, but his engine was made for power, not efficiency, and adding 33" off road tires certainly didn't help. So here's to you Subie; we'll make you a little prettier this spring, but for now you're my people's champion.

Side note: although my two other vehicles are slightly to moderately modified, I promised myself and others that I wouldn't touch the Subaru. Or at least only tasteful and aesthetic mods, so I can't make it louder, lower, etc. We'll see how well that pans out.  

Movie time. My brother, my girlfriend, and I sat down to watch the original Star Wars trilogy these past few days. But first, a short back story. These movies are awesome and I'm sure you can find many a resource on the interweb to back up this claim. My lady fish tells me about this proposal at her office for Star Wars (I'm being brief and vague on purpose because the only importance is that its Star Wars related). This is when I find out she hasn't seen a Star Wars movie. 'The new ones?' I say. 'Don't worry, you're not missing much. But we can watch them later'. Nope, the originals. Mind=Blown. I didn't know there were people that still haven't seen these ground breaking and cinematic masterpieces. I announced my shock and dismay at my office the next day only to find there were others that haven't seen these movies. WHAT?!?!!??! And not that it matters, but all said co-workers are female. Truth be told I'm now sure that there were male co-workers of mine who also have not witnessed the magnificence that is the original Star Wars trilogy, but they knew they would be shunned for admitting so. Especially from the late 30s comic book loving, manga reading, Japanese speaking, fantasy and sci-fi walking encyclopedia, Caucasian (aka Scandinavian white) co-worker of ours (not me). The women have no such objections.

I encourage everyone and anyone to watch the original Star Wars movies. They transcend sex, nationality, sexual orientation, and are just plain great. I would like to note that after the initial battle in the beginning of A New Hope, we are titillated by a conversation between 2 droids for the next 10-15 minutes. And one of the droids only speaks in beeps and squeals. Pure Bliss. The movies have action, cutting edge special effects which can still be admired today, comedy, romance, actual dialogue (harder to come by these days), and they are just plain cool. A New Hope sometimes leaves a little to be desired, but The Empire Strikes Back has it all, and then also the balls to end on a sour note in pretty much every way for the heroes. It's so sad its scrumptious. Rancor monster, Leia in metal bikini (come on), bounty hunter scum, uh! The list goes on. Return of the Jedi has the unwavering emperor that even a nun would hate, the cuddly and selfless Ewoks, massive sets, harrowing battle scenes and light saber fights, bike speeders, oh my! I give the original trilogy 7/7 Fox Tails overall for its great script, spectacular special effects, overall story line, and timelessness.



We watched A New Hope one night, and the next night my lady enjoyed The Empire Strikes Back so much that we went right into Return of the Jedi. I would also like to note that all this enjoyment was free of charge from the use of my local library. Boom. Unfortunately the movies are 'Special Edition' which means that Mr. Lucas added some unnecessary CG footage sprinkled throughout to help spice it up, but don't let that stop you. The true essence is still there.