Perception

So we've steam rolled past week 5 of the 10 Week Biggest Loser competition at the office, and I'm feelin' pretty good. I'm losing weight, inches off my waist, and still keeping up a fun and carefree lifestyle. On a minor note, I also purchased my first house with my wife the other week. Basically a footnote in my life compared to the huge pounds I'm droppin', but I figure I'd give it a mention since the blog was dry the last 2 weeks (more on house projects later). I used said move-in as a reason to kick back and take a break form my current low carb diet, and wolfed down some pizza along with a few beers; and by a few I mean as many as I could muster in the daylight and that evening. One little (or big) break didn't kill my progress though, and I was able to resume right after with a fresh conscience and revitalized attitude. I've been thinking the last few weeks about how my diet has changed, and how much of this I will be able to keep up afterwards. The biggest thing I've noticed about cutting out carbs like bread, pasta, and rice, is that f'in everything you eat has this stuff. 99% of food you order comes as a sandwich or with a side of rice. I've been eating a lot of salads lately, but that made me think, have I been eating a lot of salads? Was I just eating a lot of things between bread before? Maybe I was eating a lot of burgers and not enough salad, in which case I'm eating about the right amount now.

Is that 2 faces? Or a vase? Is it both at once? Even without the salads my other meals don't have bread, so I've essentially just been eating a chunk of meat and a side of veggies. When you think about it, this is usually under the entree list at a restaurant. Steak and steamed veggies, chicken with side salad; these are the 'nice' things on the menu; burgers and sandwiches have their own shunned corner, and it was a corner I visited often. Eating 'entrees' like this almost makes me feel fancy; more like proper and stuff, like a real adult. Sandwiches are for those lowly folk, those plebes. Fancy people like myself use a fork and knife to eat, not our filthy hands.

Any who, so its definitely changed my perspective a bit on what lunch or dinner consists of (breakfast is still as awesome as ever since I always loved eggs and meat). Its funny that I would think of a salad as such a diet food; a burger is a real meal. A man's meal. But when it comes down to it, I'm packing in more protein and nutrients eating salad than a 'regular' sandwich or burger meal could ever hope for. Isn't that better? More manly? Maybe manly is being a responsible mother fucker and not eating everything on the plate just cuz its there. And whats with these sides? Fries? Delicious they may be, but they are body killers. I feel like a king when I make a steak and have it with some roasted veggies. 'This is so nice' our dinner guests have said, but the truth is that steak tastes super good and is good for you. Chicken breast? Sign me up buddy! I buy chicken breast family packs like its my job. I should get more into cooking the whole bird, but that hasn't happened much yet. I still love pizza. I still love burgers. Juicy lucy? To die for. But I've come to appreciate a good salad, and I'm eating all these grown up 'entrees' as well. It feels like I've struck a really good balance.

So I'm eating a bit better (or different anyway), I have my cheat days every now and again, and I moved. More specifically I moved away from my super sweet local Snap gym, which means I'm working out sans gym. Thankfully the internet is chock full of body weight exercises, and one of our local parks (Lake Hiawatha) has a pullup bar and dip station. Say WHAT?! Yup! After looking around for monkey bars to use for weeks, I found the jackpot right next to a beautiful little lake. I was so excited I decided to jog down there this week and do another round of Cindy to see how we're doing. You remember that from the benchmarks, right? Well I tacked on almost another 2 rounds, so I hit 17 complete rounds and 10 extra reps in 20 minutes. Truthfully, I was hoping for a bit more, and I'm blaming my push ups for holding me back. Maybe I'm still using too much arm and back on the kips, but the push ups are bogging me down. But progress is progress, so I'll just focus on my push ups and hopefully I can make it past 20 rounds in week 10. I also did another long run the other week after cleaning our old place which ticked off 6 miles in just under 50 minutes. That's almost 2 miles farther than my previous Lake Harriet run, and at 8:10 miles that's 10 seconds faster per mile to boot! That I'm pretty happy with. I'll knock out the PFT next week to get those numbers, and then we'll have our midway numbers totally filled out. Speaking of numbers, lets get to the number that gets us paid; my weight. I tipped the ever-so-accurate digital office scale at exactly 187.0 lbs this week. For those of you that are not die hard followers, that's a sweet 12.5 pound loss in 5 weeks, which is more than my original 10 week goal. So that's pretty neat.

You know whats also neat? That means I'm no longer obese! Yah!! Yup, now I'm just overweight, hahaha. So my new goal is to keep this weight loss gravy trail rolling, and shoot for an average of 2 lbs each week. That would put us on the right side of 180 at 179.5 lbs by week 10. I truly cannot remember the last time I was under 180. Maybe right before I moved to Minneapolis, which would put us at 4 years. And that's a maybe. For sure I know I was about 175 in college, so now we're talking about a decade ago. That's some serious time. They say proof is in the pudding, so here I am in pudding. Okay, its just me in my classy TMNT boxers again. 

WEEK 1                                                                                            WEEK 5

I tried to make the same blank face. Sorry, no Mina this time, and the lighting is a bit better in my new house (new house!!). And here's the other one.

WEEK 1                                                                                      WEEK 5

I know what you're thinking, and yes, that is a fantastic beard. And even though I'm laughing a bit in the second photo, there definitely seems to be a bit less roundness in the belly area. You can't see it from the photos, but I've also gone down a notch on all my belts, and my skinny jeans are now my comfortable jeans. At 12.5 lbs down, I'm at just over 6% weight loss. The first place guy is at a hair over 10% so I'm not exactly in the running, but I'm feeling great and who knows, 10 weeks is a long time so we'll see if we can all keep it together.

Now its time to relax, and enjoy the weekend. Take some time to set-up my garage, look for my Subaru replacement, look at paint color tags, put up curtain rods; its a fucking magical time. Take 'er easy.

Communication

Why is it that people make things difficult on purpose? I think we've all played the game of telephone sometime in our life. If not, its that game where you whisper something into someone's ear, and then they say something twisted and fucked up to the person next to them as if you told them to say it. You smile innocently, and then she'll never talk to you again. Its great. Anyway, we all know the game, and it can be super fun, but no matter how hard you try and how specific you are, the message is always different once it gets past 3 or 4 people. We know this; it is no secret. Why then, if people have this knowledge of  this very important game of telephone, do they still prefer to take the round about way of communicating? Its like they want the message to get twisted and confused; perhaps they don't even want you to receive a message at all, or at the very least know that it came from them. 

Lost? Okay, you're lost. So my phone didn't turn on the other week. I know, right? My fucking phone. That little thing that stores our entire lives in the form of pictures, videos, some texts, definitely no voicemail, and Clash of Clans. Clash of Clans!! And I was in the middle of a war and hadn't made my attacks yet! Yeah, it was a bit frustrating. So I took steps. I made an appointment at my wonderful cell carrier (Sprint) for them to take a look. Do I have insurance? No, why the fuck would I have insurance? I thought you were going to sell me a product that works. Since the phone won't turn on, they can't diagnose anything. They offered me a refurbished phone of the same model, an LG G3, for 75 bones. Not a terrible deal, but not exactly a great deal. Mind you this phone was something like $600 and so I've been paying it off interest free for the last 18 months; which means I have 6 months of $25 payments to go til its mine. Too bad it doesn't work anymore I guess. Short insert here; what if I did have insurance? Well then they would replace the phone for free. Great deal, right? Insurance is 8 bucks a month, and I've had the phone for 18 months. Eight times eighteen is 144. So the 'free' replacement phone woulda just cost me $144. So not exactly a great deal. But lets not dilly dally here, the real culprit is LG. I've babied their product for the past year and a half and it repays me by up and leaving without so much as a note. No signs, no nothing. Worked great up until the moment it never turned on again. So here's where this communication game comes in. I go to LGs website and submit a request for assistance. They respond in a timely manner with some suggestions; all of the suggestions of course presume the phone can turn on, which I specifically noted is not possible in my initial request. The response was timely, but unhelpful.

This is one of those emails that you can't respond to, and they didn't give me any ticket info or anything to reference, so I have to submit another request. I printed the initial email to pdf and attached it in my second request, so they for sure know now that I need a repair. I also included the recommended phone info as well, and all my contact info. They respond in timely fashion once again, and again no info about what to do for a repair.

Round three. At this point I find out there is a separate email request form specifically for repairs. SO it was my fault for not finding that first, and not their fault for just forwarding my request and/or telling me about their own services. Anywho, so I submit that request, and their response takes a bit longer this time. I presume they took the extra time to formulate a more helpful response. Nope. Helpful response is not an option with LG. Apparently I have to call for an answer. 

Its not that I don't love calling in for support on products, especially to massive corporations, but if that was the only option to get this done then why do you even have other much more readily available options? I'm making an assumption here, but it must be to guarantee that you're upset when you call in for support. You know, make sure those customer representatives are really on their game that day. I'm gonna leave this little story as a part one of two, but just so as to not leave you hanging too much, I called into LG, got a repair ticket number, and then sent my phone in. They were specific that I had to write the irrational hexadecimal 18 digit ticket numeral down both on the package and in the package so that they can verify its me. Apparently my name and address on the package isn't enough. Oh, and they can't email or otherwise send me this ridiculously long and cryptic sequence of numbers and letters because then it wouldn't be secure. Nope, they can only tell it to me over the phone a single time, and have me repeat it back to them to verify. If I somehow write it down wrong then or in the future, then its gone forever and I have to start over. How on earth did this process get approved? And does this actually work?

So yeah, communication is fun. I actually work in tech support answering calls and emails for much of the day and it really just boggles my mind how poorly some companies have this set up. Anyway, lets talk about something more fun, cuz its the weekend. I saw Zootopia this past Saturday, and there is definitely reason to why people are going crazy for this movie. Its absolutely hilarious, the story is original and fun, its smart for kids and adults, and Jason Bateman is a miracle as Nick the fox. I started laughing at the beginning, and there was almost no reason to stop for the entire film. The animation is obviously well done, but the different city areas for the animals and the way characters interact really took some creative minds. The kids in the theater are just having fun and laughing at what dazzles their eyes, and the script is so smart that adults are laughing right along with their kids, yet for usually completely different reasons. The way they use the very obvious differences and stereotypes among animals to show discrimination really demonstrates how silly discrimination is, especially among a single species like homo sapiens. It also shows how real discrimination is; you may be able to describe someone as tall, smart, fast, white, black, orange, weak, or hairy, but to think that description defines them, that you can now label them and make assumptions about the characteristics you may not be able to see or perceive, well now you've just crossed over. I'm not going to go on about discrimination and how its a bad thing (hopefully you already know that), but I will say that this movie is great for showing it to us in very simple and approachable manner. Just because someone is small does not make them weak. Just because someone is big doesn't mean they're not cuddly. Just because you're born with one leg doesn't mean you can't be a track star. If you have the desire, then many things are possible. So when your 7 year old nephew or 27 year old cousin ask you why they shouldn't judge X because of Y, you can say 'because a fucking bunny can become a cop, that's why'. Seriously though, its a great movie and a great story that can be learned from many times over. For its great story, excellent characters, non stop laughs, and possible Vehicross clone cop car I give this cinematic feature 7 out of 7 fox tails.

In other news, I saw London has Fallen. It gets 5/7 fox tails for being exactly what its supposed to be, but by passing on an obvious decapitation opportunity during a chase scene. You still rock Gerry.

And for those following along on my biggest loser campaign, I weighed in at 194.2 lbs this past Wednesday, which is a 5.3lb and 2.65% loss. I also was able to get out last Friday to do Cindy, and knocked out 15 rounds with an additional 15 reps (5 pullups and 10 pushups) in the allotted 20 minutes. I also attempted a max number of standard pullups this week, and reached 10 in a row. Now get out there and enjoy the weather. Take 'er easy.

Benchmarks

So week one of this whole weight loss competition is down and I gotta say, I feel pretty good. Of course my diet and exercise is pretty much unchanged from the last few months, so that's not much of a surprise. I decided to kick off the weight loss weekend by doing what I do best; kicking ass and taking names. In this case that means I went to Bad Weather Brewery for a pint in the early afternoon, and had defeated Shredder on their Turtles in Time arcade by late afternoon. What? You expected I was gonna start my marathon training? Go sow some alfalfa sprouts and quinoa? 

Lets just say I started with a cheat day. After all, you have to keep your mental health too, right? And possibly more importantly, we can't have the foot clan running the streets; not on my streets of Saint Paul. No no.

Okay, where were we? That's right, weight loss stuff. I have to say, I was a bit overwhelmed, surprised, and extremely appreciative of all the comments and support I've gotten so far. My readers are just as nice and supportive as my wife!

I had people give me recipes, share some workouts they like, and even send me some general weight loss and fitness plans they've used; apparently many of us have been here before. And since you guys have stepped it up, it has encouraged me to do the same. My previous post may have given some people the idea that I just want to lift and get ripped, but this is about whole body health, and that means helping my body with exercise and nutrition, as well as building strong mental and social health too. Whats the point of looking like Leonidas if you've got no life or friends? Pshhh. So it was time to set some benchmarks, some initial shakedowns if you will. Do something this week, and then see how I'm doing at week 5 and 10. The ultimate plan is to win the competition, but its fruitless if I don't track myself and learn how to keep it up. This week I decided on 3 exercises/workouts/things to test my physical fitness level, and they are long distance running speed (3+ miles), the Army Physical Fitness Test (APFT), and Cindy (Crossfit WOD). 

You know I have to use Zombieland, right? 

So its a wee bit cold out here in good ol' Minneapolis, but I decided to go all natural and strap on my lightweight performance shoes, a matching jogging suit, and hit the trail for a nice jaunt around the lake. Over to Lake Harriet, around the Lake (which was a beautiful overcast grey; seriously though, beautiful #blessedMN), and then back again. I ticked off about 4.2 miles, didn't have to flip off any cars, stayed warm, and it took me a few seconds shy of 35 minutes. Do the math and that's 8:20 minute miles. By ridiculous comparison, my marathon pace in 2011 was also 8:20. Sounds good, right? The first 13.1 miles of that marathon however, I was at a 7:10 pace. So I was able to run over a minute a mile faster for 3 times the distance in 2011 than today. So I have some room to grow; that's the point of this anyway! Lets move on and see how we fared concerning the military. I mean, its a gov't run organization so its gotta be pretty easy and accepting, right?

(Yeah, Full Metal Jacket is the Marines. Its a gif; get over it.) The Army PFT consists of doing as many push-ups as possible in 2 minutes, as many sit-ups as possible in 2 minutes, and then a 2 mile run. I remember doing this kind of stuff in middle school; easy. Per Army guidelines I had a spotter count out my reps and time me, allowed 10 minute rest between drills, only used specific rest positions, and no music. I could blame the lack of music, my workout from the day before, or my immature attitude, but no matter how you cut it, I didn't do great in this test.

I knocked out 45 push-ups, 51 sit-ups, and ran the 2 miles in 14:56.

Feel free to checkout the scorecard charts here if you like, but I'll save you the suspense; I passed. My 12 year old middle school self would most likely have kicked my ass though. I thought I was in shape? So you have to score at least 60 in each category (check the charts), and I got 66 in PU, a 66 in SU, and 82 in the run for a total score of 214. However there's a height and weight requirement as well, and at 5'7" the max allowable weight is... 174lbs. Wowza. Yeah, not even close. So technically I failed. I'll have to tape off my neck and stomach before next week to see if I fall within their body fat standards. Yup, the superior United States military with its billion dollar drones and million dollar missiles calculates your body fat from comparing your neck to your belly. Whatev, lets move on to Cindy.

Now I think crossfit is an amazing workout and exercise idea, but that gif just cracks me up. Any who, Cindy WOD. For you non-crossfitters out there (come on, paleo diet dude) WOD stands for Workout Of the Day, and Cindy is a common WOD that people can use to compare themselves. Its a circuit of 5 pull-ups (kipping ones), 10 push-ups, and 15 squats AMRAP (as many reps as possible; f'in crossfitters love their acronyms almost as much as the military). I usually do a similar workout with standard pull-ups and inverted rows, but I wanted to try and knock this one out like a crossfit purist.

Okay, so I didn't exactly fail, but my gym only has one pull up bar, and its attached to the seemingly always in use cable crossover machine. I couldn't take it over for 20 minutes, so I went in search of a playground to use some monkey bars or something.

Yeah, yeah. At least I got a good bike ride in, but all these new age playgrounds are barely 5' off the ground to keep kids safe, and all the monkey bars look like they came out of a Dr Seuss book. What, we can't have straight bars anymore? Any who, I'm not giving up on this, and since Friday is the LEAST busy time for Snap fitness, I'm hoping to knock out Cindy tonite and get back to y'all with a baseline for the weeks to come.

I've once again blabbed on for way longer than expected, but I want to note that the wife and I went above and beyond in the kitchen this week too. Tried out stuffed peppers for the first time, btw they're super easy. Step one, buy peppers. Step 2, cook whatever you have in the house. Step 3, stuff and bake. We had some ground turkey, green salsa, a can of corn, and a can of black beans. They were f'in delicious, healthy, and carb free. We also used some leftover red pepper to place in a muffin tin with some diced ham, and then filled each cup up with some eggs. Then pop int he oven for a spell. Super easy again, and then we had egg and ham muffins for breakfast, instead of some sad ass yogurt. I put jalapenos on the top of mine too. Yum!!

Thanks again for all the fitness and nutrition ideas, and definitely keep 'em coming! If there are any workouts you'd like to compare then let me know and I'll try and work it in and post the results. Likewise with recipes. Time to take on the theater this weekend with the top rated Zootopia, and the bottom rated London has Fallen. So excited. Take er easy.

Time to Nut Up or Shut Up

As my good friend Tallahassee once said, 'Its time to nut up or shut up'. This concerns a couple things.
1) Haven't written a post in .... forever.
and 2) I've been telling (lying to) myself for some time now that I should trim down and take control of my body/health/fat ass.
They say that to achieve a goal you need to have a goal. And that you're then supposed to share that goal so that you stay accountable. Well I've been tip toeing around this idea, and I've laid some ground work. I started writing down the workouts I do each day, and how many alcoholic beverages I consume each day as well. So I've been collecting data, but I haven't actually set a goal or done anything about it. What can I say? I'm weak. I know I drink a lot, but golly gee I like that. Its fun (!). But that doesn't change the fact that my ass is growing disproportionately to my biceps. I don't live in a gym, so its goal setting time.
My office was the ultimate catalyst for this as they have issued a 'Biggest Loser' style challenge. So me and all my doughy coworkers can throw some money in a pool and see who comes out on top (or bottom depending on how you look at it). So someone other than me and my way too supportive wife (you're handsome honey) will be aware of this dealio. First weigh in was this Wednesday, and I tipped the digital scale at a hair under 2 bills; 199.5lbs. At 5'7", that puts my BMI at 31.2, which is technically obese. Not overweight mind you, but obese. I have to drop to 191 just to be overweight. Yup.

Like I said, I've been tracking myself for a bit, almost 3 months now, and I'm on the right track. Just the other day I was at the gym and a guy resembling an extra on Spartacus, with his entire midsection exposed from his unnecessarily large opening sleeveless shirt, asked me for a spot. I was like 'yeah, he sees I'm not a complete nimwhit'. It was a nice boost. Never mind that his only other choices were some small Indian kid in loafers, or the guy with the fanny pack that seems to be more impressed with the sound of crashing weights rather than how much he's actually lifting. Its SNAP fitness, okay? Not exactly where Schwarzenegger got his start.
Any who, lets circle back. Goal setting. I'm a stocky guy, and we all know that the BMI system doesn't take into account a lot of factors, but no matter how you cut it I ain't in great shape. My initial goal for now is to lose a pound a week. The challenge at my office lasts for 10 weeks, so that'll put me at 189.5 and about 5% weight loss. Is that enough to win? We have to check in at week five, so we'll re-evaluate then. Did I mention there's a cash prize to the winning individual and team? Almost 500 bones each. Yeah, that's quite the incentive. And also to be healthier, look good for Summer, look good for a mirror, cut grocery bills, get drunk on less, keep my smoking hot wife interested in me sexually, and to fit into those pants I've had in storage for too long. And fit into my bucket seat in my race car. Yeah, all those things, and a list a whole lot longer too.

So I wanna cut at least 10lbs. But how? I plan to work out at least 5 days a week, for at least 30 minutes each time. Also watch what I eat (portion control, some pizza, no ice cream for breakfast), and keep the drinking down. I'm still me, so I'm not gonna cut drinking out completely, but I've somewhat successfully been able to cut out pretty much all drinking during the weekdays these past few months. So that's a start. And I still like to drink to excess, so I've been limiting that to one weekend night, instead of 2 or 3. So that's neat too. Now I need to try and limit those big nights to only a 12 pack. Yeah, I'm a thirsty guy.

I actually got a personal trainer for a few months last year, so I've taken some advice form him. And otherwise I'm gonna stick to the basic 'Less input, more output' approach, ie eat what I need, and workout more. When I had that trainer he had me write up some goals. One of them was to put up some pictures (which I never did) of one of my wife's favorite bodies; Thor. Chris Hemsworth may play the part, but when you ask her who she likes she doesn't say 'Chris', she says 'mother freakin' Thor'.

So this is Thor.

And here's me.

 Twins, right? Yeah, you're right; he would look better in TMNT shorts.
Okay, so we got that out of the way. For now on I think I'm gonna pick my celebrity pics beforehand, and then try and replicate their pose and clothing so you guys can figure out who is who ;)
So she likes Thor, but I'm going for something more like this.

Sooooooooo, I'm basically there. Okay, I have a ways to go. But after 10 weeks hopefully we 'll be able to at least see a difference, right? Well I'll have you be the judge. Here's one more just for fun. Check your own self in the mirror. You likey? Or you no likey? Don't be like me and wait for some one to offer you money to lose weight or get healthier. I can't believe all the crap people have to pay for because they were unhealthy before, or possibly even still are. Lets nip this one in the bud.

PS Deadpool was awesome. 7/7 Foxtails easy. Couldn't stop laughing.

Well, Geez

Well, geez, that Summer really flew by. Its not that I haven't had time to write, but by the time I had time, I didn't want to. I'm lazy sometimes; it happens. But this Summer was seriously packed, and that's a good thing. I love life. I saw some awesome movies, ran through the mountains of Colorado, VIP'd at a music festival, swam with sea turtles in Mexico, and even got hitched. So yeah, I did some stuff. I'm still feeling a bit lazy and overwhelmed, but I figured I might as well get something out of the gate. So here's some pictures of me with people, chronologically backward, from now to the beginning of Summer. Can you guess which ones are strangers? Go!

Love ya babe ;)

To The West!

Friday once again. Ahhhhhh, isn't it grand? Almost as good as last Friday when I was figuring out the last few details on Western Movie Day. 'What is Western Movie Day?' one may ask themselves, and it is exactly what you want it to be. Or at least what I want it to be (insert menacing devilish laugh). I hadn't been around in awhile to have our regular weekly Sunday evening movie, so I was making up for it by having a movie marathon on a Saturday. And what's more fun than watching movies all day? Having a theme of course, and a goddamn Western theme at that. Whoot! A list of movies was debated via email, and with the help of the internet, we had a list primed to go via Amazon instant video. Of course I couldn't have this just be a bunch of spaghetti westerns, or some classic Duke films; no sir. I had to put some western movies on the list that you hadn't heard of, or never wanted to. Movies like Sukiyaki Western Django, Cowboys and Aliens, and Slow West.
But before I get all crazy about the movies, lets not lose focus. This is a day after all, and that means you'll need some sustenance. Might as well keep the theme rollin', so we have jalapeno cheese cornbread, bbq bacon baked beans, western style burgers (which I'm pretty sure have nothing to do with the actual West), and of course beer and lots and lots of whiskey.

Although Hardees was my inspiration for the Western Burger, we classed it up slightly with some avocado. I want to take this time for a personal shout out to my lady and brother who made the western burger and food situation happen as I was busy with some Bulleit in the basement watching movies. And so, the movies.

I started a bit later than I wanted (just after 3pm), but my good pal Quinn made sure I didn't watch a single movie alone and so I chose Sukiyaki Western Django as his gift. This movie is East meets West quite literally; it claims to be set in Nevada but all the signs and scenery is Japanese. The actors are all Eastern, but they speak English. Its really quite a mix, and of course this classic East meets West can only be brought about by one man; Quentin Tarantino. The only white dude in the film, and a crazy bastard at that. This movie is about as ridiculous as it gets, and therefore right in sync with Tarantino, although neither directed nor produced by him. Every character in this film is damaged; seemingly everyone has a sad back story. Either their father was murdered in front of them, or their mother, or both. 2 different clans have an unending blood feud to boot, and there's a few half breeds thrown in the mix hell bent on vengeance against pretty much everyone. The sheriff's mind is cracked from trying to keep both clans happy, easily identified as the white and the red clans. The sheriff does this just to save his own skin, being the weasel he is, and therefore also nailing one character of the western genre perfectly; the sheriff overrun by a gang and playing the puppet in his own town. Despicable. Everything comes down to one final bloody showdown, and it is bloody. The 2 clans at their wits end, a stranger essentially back from the dead, an assassin come out of retirement, and... a Gatling gun?! Fuck yeah. You really have to see it to believe it, and I give Sukiyaki 5/7 Fox Tails for its over the top storytelling, damaged and struggling characters, and because kitanas, blood, and a goddamn Gatling gun.

My father arrived for the final showdown of Sukiyaki, and then suggested we change it up and go to a classic western for movie number 2. I obliged with The Magnificent Seven. This movie was packed with all the big shot action guys of the day. My father couldn't stop remarking how cool Yul Brynner was, and how awesome and big Charles Bronson was. Steve McQueen, and James Coburn, and a handful of other greats. And this movie is classic; a bunch of rough and tough smooth talking dudes, all with quick hands and fighting for justice. Justice. The story is apparently taken from The Seven Samurai, and has been made over and over a handful of times. Small town overrun by gangster/bastard; they reach out for help with the little pittance that they have. Enter 7 heroes, led by at least a few all stars, and you got yourself a movie that makes you grin from ear to ear. Its as badass as it sounds, and I almost passed out when I saw the line up for the remake coming in 2017: Chris Pratt, Denzel Washington, Ethan Hawke. As long as they make it as cheesy and wholesome awesomeness as the original, then I think they'll do just fine. Probably even super fine. For 1960, I give the Seven 6/7 Fox Tails for just the reason I said above; wholesome awesomeness ie a righteous good guy outnumbered by bad guys standing up for whats right kinda awesomeness. Fuck bad people.

A slight break for some food, another shot of whiskey, and a few more people showed up for what they didn't even know was the main attraction; Slow West. This is the Western you haven't heard of because its so new. An indie film that came out this year starring the amazing Michael Fassbender and up and comer Kodi Smit-McPhee.

This was actually the movie that made me decide I wanted to do a Western theme when I saw the trailer a few short weeks ago, and then it turns out that the film went direct to on demand before hitting theaters. Fuck. Yes. So if you're cool like me and watch trailers every other moment that you're not wrenching on cars or downing whiskey, then you know movies like this exist; and then you share them with the world. This movie is the western movie that anti-defines the western movies. The heroes are more anti-hero than hero, everyone is on a hunt for survival, and to be idealistic is to be dead. Our young traveler from Scotland is always caught in situations that he is not prepared for (happens often on the frontier), and if any pointers can be taken from his bounty hunter possibly outlaw guide, Fassbender, its that you shouldn't give a shit about anyone, and always be ready to kill them because that's exactly how they're thinking of you. The movie is riddled with flash backs to the old country to help flesh out our young character, and then we come back to this boy that is just not a man (though he tries). If you wanna be as cool as me, and trust me, you do, then gather a few friends or your mom from the other room and rent Slow West on demand. I give Slow West 6/7 Fox Tails for its ruthless view of the west, good pace, unique characters, and its shots of humor to lighten the otherwise depressing story. You won't come away from this movie with a warm fuzzy, and I believe that's exactly what's intended. 

And now what I thought was to be the second last movie, but turned out to be the last movie. Oh well. If you're gonna go out on western movie day, then you better have Tombstone.

This movie is 7/7 Fox Tails. Easy. Done. I love this movie. LOVE IT. Pretty much anything Doc Holliday says, played by Val Kilmer, is cinematic gold. 'I got 2 guns, one for each of ya'. Pants explosion. 'You're a daisy if you do' ie pushing up daisies ie dead. I just got that! Fuckin great. Rounding it out with Kurt Russell, the fucking awesome Sam Elliot, Bill Paxton, and even some Billy Zane in there. Of course we can't forget the mad man Johnny Ringo played by Michael Biehn, and the Cowboy ringleader played by Powers Boothe. I want to watch this movie again already! The story is classic awesomeness, the acting is great, characters are sweet, bad guys are bad, and good guys are pretty bad too. Just go watch it, cuz I ain't gonna talk about it anymore. 

So a liter of whiskey and many pitchers of beer later, Western Day was a success. I think we'll rest up for a week or two, and then maybe another themed night later this summer. Bond? Aliens? I never did get around to Cowboys and Aliens... Take 'er easy.

Monsters

It proved to be quite fitting that upon the night I was to see Avengers: Age of Ultron, that my viewing would be postponed to discuss a book. A book! You know what a book is, right? They're usually rectangular, and have a bunch of letters formed into words, and then printed onto tangible paper stuff; its those things you never pick up anymore and instead use as coasters for your Red Bull or to level your HDTV on the shelf. My mistake, you don't use coasters.

I was the host for the family book club, and I told my brother to make sure he got there on time cuz I had other stuff to do; namely go see Avengers on opening night. 'That shit? What a fucking waste.' Apparently my brother doesn't like fun. Any who, I was a bit taken aback by this; I mean, Avengers. Hellooooooooo?!? Sweet Marvel characters, Joss Whedon at the helm once again; it was a not so proven formula that destroyed the box office a few years ago and was looking for another piece. I was pretty excited to say the least, but I didn't let his comment rob me of the enjoyment I was about to procure from blazing images and flashy pretty colors, or the hope I may actually go deaf from one of the explosions. I mean, when you're a baller like me then you gots to go big, and IMAX 3D was the only way to go. If anything it encouraged me to finish our book, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, and bring some good conversation to the table for my first activity of the night before Ultron's reveal. I hadn't read Frank before, and I was pretty surprised to find out that any Hollywood rendition I have seen is nothing like the book. It was good. Really good. Beautiful language , if not sometimes just a bit over the top; prose that just pulled you in, and a story about devastation and misery for all characters. We bounced around discussing a few topics, but a common theme throughout is whether the creature (or demon) was a monster, or if his creator, Victor Frankenstein, was the monster. Or are they both monsters? Was the creature a monster because Victor was? Was it nature? And also the link between created and creator. Truly a fun book (nice and short too) that anyone can read, yet you can really have a deep conversation about it if you so desire. I said earlier that this was quite fitting because the main premise of Avengers 2 is that creation turns on creator; a theme not necessarily unique to Frankenstein or Avengers, but it was fun sitting in the theater and watching the same ideas that man has been struggling with since 1818, and centuries before it, is now being played out again in the newest media form. Pretty cool. The heroes blatantly use the word 'monster' several times, either in reference to themselves or Ultron, and this is the same struggle that brought Marvel to the forefront with the first Iron Man movie. Are the weapons and technology Tony Stark developed the monsters? Is it the people that use it? Or is it Tony himself? And can you create something else to prove yourself? Tony thought he could; he tried to prove he was not a monster by creating again: the Iron Man suit. A suit for defense. A suit for good.

Captain America was created. Black Widow. The Hulk. The Twins. It is apparently in human nature to repeat our mistakes over and over again, and to proliferate these ideas into stories of horror, into stories of fantasy. We drew pictures inside caves, brought masked men into theaters, printed words with pen and paper, and now digital 3 dimensional explosions and deafening sound is our medium. Oooooooooooooooh, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I don't even want to tell you about Avengers anymore; its a story you already know anyway. I will tell you this though; its sweet. Really f'in sweet.
 It opens up with the Avengers fully assembled and battling through masses of Hydra soldiers. Compared to the first film they are a now a developed team, which is articulated through the many hero combo attacks riddled throughout and the seamless execution of such attacks. Captain flips his shield to Black Widow, Thor tossed people into Hawkeyes path for assassination; its really too cool, like a video game come to life. But its also clear that they have not been challenged for quite some time; they get careless with their own defense and rely on their personal superior strength and skill in many cases. There I go again; you got me all riled up and I just want to talk more and more now! I'll leave you with a few key things that stood out for me and made this movie as great as it really is, and not just another CGI heavy movie with cool fight scenes.

1) Quicksilver: This character is played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson; I know him as Kick Ass, and he was also in the latest Godzilla. By the way, he got big; this ain't no scrawny high school kid that he played in Kick Ass anymore. So the character is cool, but I really like this actor; he doesn't talk much as Quicksilver and the character comes to life with his little mannerisms and smirks.

2) Ultron: Really I should say James Spader, as he's the one who voices Ultron and breathes him to life. This makes me want to watch the Blacklist now, as this guy delivers lines perfectly. Ultron is a program created by Tony Stark and this character has some of his language, class, wit, knowledge, and,of course, sarcasm; all perfectly done by Spader. Tony Stark is no simple character, and Robert Downey Junior IS that character. Spader is able to use that, and also twist it into his own ruthless and immoral villain of destruction. So sweet.

3) Hawkeye: I watched Birdman a month or so ago, and they made reference that all these great actors were getting put into capes; essentially they were all playing heroes and wasting their talent. Jeremy Renner was one of the names mentioned, and I thought they more or less hit it on the mark with him. Hawkeye was a small character in these past few films and Renner definitely could have focused elsewhere. He was all on board though and they pay him back by really fleshing Hawkeye out in this film. He's a larger role, you get to learn more about him, and you also see how he's the real soldier of the group; he is just a human and cannot rely on super strength to get him through many situations. His expertise in combat, tactics, and view of the battle field are his strengths.

The story and direction are really done quite well in this film, and they don't mind poking fun at the fact that they're running around in costumes and fighting aliens or robots or genocidal computer programs. They embrace it, and they are better for it. This movie made me want to re-watch all the Marvel movies over again (and I just may, I own most of them!) and really just got me amped and excited about the story. This movie ascends the scale and gets a well deserved 7/7 Fox Tails; it really is one destined for the big screen and something you absolutely should not miss. 3D IMAX may be unnecessary (may be), but the combination of action, humor, characters, story, drama; its all there. The story is really that good, and at just over 2 hours and with a character that messes with your mind parts, there's a good amount of character growth sprinkled in to make you care about the characters and not just when the next triple back-flip, motorcycle launching, lightning striking, missile blasting, combo punch is gonna take place. And yes all those things happen too.

And to put it not quite as eloquently as Ms Shelley, 'This isn't about beating Ultron, it's about proving we're not monsters.' Thanks Cap'n.