No thanks Turkish, I'm sweet enough

First of all, people are fucking dangerous. Some things like guns, vehicles, and words have the potential to be dangerous, but its the ones who wield them that have the true power. Reminds me of that scene in Don't Be a Menace to South Central while Drinking your Juice in the Hood when Ashtray is talking to this little kid.
Ashtray: Having a gun doesn't give you any power. You wanna know where the real power is?

Kid: In the bullets!

He tells him his mind is real power, but whatever. I'm talking about people being dangerous with their cars; something we deal with every time we merge onto the highway, turn into a grocery store parking lot, or decide to walk across an intersection. You know these people; you see them every day. The person who tries to split 2 cars on the highway, no turn signal, then decides to get back into their original lane. 'Holy shit!' you say as you tense up ready to swerve and hit the brakes as you can see the collision about to unfold in front of your eyes. It doesn't, hopefully, and you think 'How many times can this person cheat death?'. That is until you see the missing body panel on the late model Taurus they're driving. Or the wrong color hood. The evidence is in plain site that this person wants to commit vehicular manslaughter, crunch your baby, create a road block,or at the very least disrupt your day. Get your shit together people. But this isn't a rant blog. No need to hear what grinds my gears each week. This blog is light; its about fun.

So, back to what brings me joy. Back to what brings me pleasure. Back to the sweets.

The Bombay Sweets . 

These guys rocked the house at the Turf Club last night as the opening gig. I hadn't been to the Turf Club in awhile, and it recently had a makeover so I was pretty excited to make it out that night. The Sweets have had a reserved place in my heart ever since I saw them once upon a time at the Amsterdam. I had just driven up from Iowa late on a Friday night and my brother was doing a simple show there that I was able to stop by for. I think the Bombay Sweets were after him, don't really remember, but it was love at first listen. It was cold, I had just driven for 4 hours, alone, and was about to snuggle up with a hoppy brew. Before I know it, magic was in the air; this old style guitar twanging with a nice strong beat on the tom toms reminding me of a Tarantino opening. It immediately caught my attention and I snuck in a little closer. It was so cool and fresh to hear an old school type beat with this slightly strained voice floating above it; just two guys, a guitar, and this funky stand up drum set with bedazzled glitter all over it (apparently called a cocktail drum set). They were awesome. I picked up their self titled album, listened to it non-stop on the drive home a few days later, and then threw it on my ipod shortly after. The music is suited for all occasions and times; chilling in the living room, rocking it on a run, short drive to the market or long drive back to loved ones. It was a taste I couldn't get anywhere else, and I looked forward to the next show that never came. Until last night. They had played other shows here and there, but not for awhile and not that I was able to get to. My lady saw the show posted somewhere and asked me if I wanted to go; I ordered 2 tickets right then and placed it on our google calendar. No one changes the google calendar. No one.

 Nate and Jeff may not have known it, but it was our reunion night (creepy); and I was STOKED. The Turf Club looked great, a good crowd was already shuffling in, Jeff's beard was amazing, and the amps were warmed up. The music is loud (we're only 20' away) but not overpowering. Its so smooth you just drink it in (along with your $5 Furious). This is what happiness feels like; my pretty lady at my side, a good brew on the other, and the sweet nostalgic rockin' of an old friend bringing you all in just a little closer. Tap your feet and bob your head; the music is infectious and can't help but put a smile on your face. Unlike many lost loves that don't seem to create the same spark they once did, the Bombay Sweets only strengthened it. And like that juicy burger, that cool brew, and that last embrace, the Bombay Sweets never last long enough. Thank you Jeff and Nate, as it was once again great while it lasted. Unfortunately we weren't able to stay for the Pink Mink or Swami John Reis & The Blind Shake; damn Thursdays. But that night has once again ignited my desire to go see more live local music, and hopefully this time it sticks. I should be able to hold onto this high all weekend, and maybe I can find that old Sweets cd and pop it in my '97 Subie (hell yeah I rock a cd player). You all have a great weekend now, and look for the Bombay Sweets on iTunes, Amazon, or whatever digital venue you prefer; they're there, I checked. Take 'er easy.

Automatic Turn Signals

Enter the 2015 Cadillac Escalade with top of the line V8 engine, 8 speed automatic transmission, back-up camera with multiple sensors, leather seats, magnetic ride control, intelligent headlights, and probably lots of other unnecessary bullshit. The engineers seem pretty hard at work cramming as many features, gizmos, and doodads into the brand new Escalade, and bulking it up as necessary to do so. More room! More shit! is what the people call for, and the Escalade gladly delivers. Of course design has to fit somewhere, but apparently those guys just threw in the towel and handed it over to the engineers. So what did they do? The logical thing; they made a box. 'You can fit all kinds of shit into a box' Senior Engineer Bill tells us. The 2015 Escalade is basically a beefed up hearse. I mean, look at that back end. If that doesn't scream 'put another big box inside of me', then I don't know what does. And this transportation of the deceased (or soon to be) will get you there in style with available 22" rims. Yup, 22 inches; slightly larger than my dick when its taped to a 20" stick. Do you know what size rim the Escalade was released with waaaaaaay back in 1999? 16. Pussy.
I saw one of these behemoths the other day, and although I wasn't much of a fan before, this thing is a joke. Cars are getting bigger and bigger, and they're getting more and more stuff to make your commute as disconnected possible. Rear back up camera? Okay, that makes sense; these things are big and hard to correctly gauge distance when backing up. But what about on a sweet little Honda Fit? Yup, they have 'em too (along with the many other ridiculous and unnecessary options available to every car these days).

'Oh my gosh, what is this wet stuff coming from the sky? Its making my vision through the windshield all blurry; what do I do?!' Its called rain, and you should turn on your windshield wipers. Don't worry if you're in the Escalade though; it has rain sensing windshield wipers so you can continue jawwing on your phone and ignore the seemingly miniature world outside your monstrosity. 'But what happens when that big glowy thing in the sky goes away? How will I get to Starbucks then?' First, its called the Sun. Two, it sounds like its now evening so why do you need coffee? Forgive me, you're probably heading to third shift in your Escalade. Well don't fret cuz there's automatic headlights too when it gets dark out. Which means that during the 'magic hour' called dusk when its misting and kinda difficult to see you'll be as bright as Forrest Gump in his 3rd grade spelling bee. Turns out these Cadillac folks have taken it a step further and have sensors to detect other headlights and taillights. Why? So you can keep your high beams on all the time and it will auto-dim them when other cars are detected. Its called 'Intellibeam'. I really see this not working well in actual practice.

When did we all become so obsessed with not actually driving our cars, but using them as media centers that can also transport us? I love listening to Pandora too; I also like direct steering, precise suspension, changing my own gears, and paying attention while I'm driving so that things like windshield wipers, headlights, and turn signals come on when they're supposed to. Sorry Caddy Club, but no automatic turn signals yet.
The Escalade has hosts of these functions that they tout as 'Safety features' (just like all the other cars and trucks out there), but really it would be more safe if you actually just focused on driving instead of giving the new D'Angelo song a 'thumbs up' on your center console. Hands free devices are great, but really they're just trying to make an unsafe situation slightly safer. Seriously, when was the last time you had 2 hands on the steering wheel anyway?

So next time you're tearing up 169 South and rerouting your GPS to Caribou instead of Starbucks (cuz you're a supporter of local business duh) maybe try and use your turn signal and look out the window once or twice; airbags are super expensive and that Corolla you just took out doesn't weigh 8 metric tons so no matter how many safety features IT has, physics says its not gonna end well. Oh yeah, and one more thing; you're slowing down my fucking commute. My '97 Subaru doesn't have Pandora and the Current is in the middle of a member drive. Fucker. Of course I can always get a bluetooth enabled head unit, but when that second car hit you from behind your airbag was already deflated and your face attempted to marry itself to the leather stitched steering wheel; you lost a tooth in the divorce. That shit's for life.

Now some cats. Take 'er easy.