Kill Crites!

Another lovely Friday has once again not come soon enough. This may be one of the busiest, slow weeks at the office yet so I'm looking forward to relaxing this weekend. A short text from my lil sis the other day requesting my attendance at her abode to watch the wee one will get me and my lady started; as long as he stays asleep wrapped in his Velcro'd sleep swaddling contraption. Easy Atticus. My brother's Mini once again decided to not start this morning (truth cock) at the most opportune time; he needed to leave by 6 in the AM for a minor road trip out to Nat'l Guard this weekend. I of course am asleep at this hour when I was rustled up to try and remedy the situation. I won't bore you with the details but the Mini is still outside our place, my brother took my subie, and I awoke Erebos from his wintery slumber to get me to the office. So the week was a little rough, Friday has had a so-so start, there's a minor setback in the evening relaxation festivities, but! I was able to coerce my lady into TWO movie nights this week. That's right; two. So lets just say that the smile on my face is not so easily wiped away and may be as large as the one across our mischievously blood curdling and cuddly antagonists' faces from this weeks double feature: Critters and Critters 2.

Critters and Critters 2 were released in 1986 and '88 respectively to audiences everywhere. Part of a now quadrilogy(!) they are comedy horror films that really are devilishly fun. Although all films are somehow released with a PG-13 rating, these films are extremely bloody, vile, distasteful, and fuc*ing hilarious. Critters opens up with the 'crites' stealing a ship from a secure facility in space and just so happened to get the fastest cruiser with 'enough fuel to travel the galaxy 4 times over'. How convenient. Bounty hunters are dispatched post hence and warned to not destroy everything and anything in their path; apparently their MO. We open on a quaint Kansas farm where the young and restless son is trying to get out of yet another test at school by putting on the sick boy performance. The test day is brought to light by the teenage daughter barely eating breakfast, complaining about bathroom time usage, and then rushing off to catch a ride with her friends to school (oh the freedom of 16 and having friends with a drivers license). The mother finishes off the foiled 'sick boy' plot and is busy cooking a wholesome breakfast for the entire family while the father is getting ready to fix a carburetor, bale hay, or do some other manly task around the homestead. The perfect family; these guys are the same perfect family you would see on Parker Brothers board games having the time of their life! But life is about to become not-so-perfect. Fast forward past Billy Zane showing up in a Porsche and enjoying a family dinner to being brought to the barn out back with perfect daughter while father investigates the racket coming up through the outside cellar doors. This movie hits every perfect horror flick cliche gloriously, and without even batting an eye. We finally get our first view of the crites, and these things are downright vicious! 'How cute' my lady says, right before one latches onto its first victim. Hahahahhahahahahhahaha. They roll around, they eat everything inanimate or not, they speak and swear at each other in an unknown language (subtitled for the viewing audience) and cause general mayhem for the bounty hunters to eventually find. Its almost necessary to provide your own running commentary as the most ridiculous thing is topped shortly after you've pointed the first out. There's blood, explosions, one-liners, chasing, scares; they covered it all! Or so you think; enter Critters 2.

 

Same town. Same bounty hunters. Even the same now slightly grown up boy from the first movie. I'm sensing another perfect recipe... So what did we miss? Not much. The crites laid some undiscovered eggs at the end of the first movie and now its time for them to hatch. Since this movie follows almost the exact same premise as the first I'll be brief. More critters, a man in a bunny suit crashing dead through the church stain glass window, boobs, explosion, blood, and an ex sheriff that spews one-liners with the best of 'em. 'Oh, well on the important chart I'd put that between a pineapple quiche and a pimple on my ass!'. 'You all just volunteered. Come on you bunch of pussies.' Gold. I can't wait to check out Critters 3 (with Leonardo DiCaprio!) and possibly Critters 4. I give Critters and Critters 2 each 5/7 Fox Tails for their irreverent humor, bloody creatures, and my boyhood memories being brought back to life. These movies are truly a blast from the past and I already can't wait to watch them again. Looking at that 5/7 rating some people might be a little confused about this rating system. How could an awful movie like this get such a high rating? It's because this movie does what it sets out to do in a great way. Each movie is judged in its own genre and this genre happens to be corny comedy horror. Actually while stating that fact I think I'd bump these up to a 6/7. If you like 80s comedy horror then you already own these gems, and if you're willing to test the genre out then I guarantee you'll find yourself with a twisted smile and giggling incessantly with each bite from these crites.

Time to find the nearest fresh pint of IPA and skate across the frozen roads all the way to my little nephew. Unfortunately he's not old enough for the crites. Yet.