Kill Crites!

Another lovely Friday has once again not come soon enough. This may be one of the busiest, slow weeks at the office yet so I'm looking forward to relaxing this weekend. A short text from my lil sis the other day requesting my attendance at her abode to watch the wee one will get me and my lady started; as long as he stays asleep wrapped in his Velcro'd sleep swaddling contraption. Easy Atticus. My brother's Mini once again decided to not start this morning (truth cock) at the most opportune time; he needed to leave by 6 in the AM for a minor road trip out to Nat'l Guard this weekend. I of course am asleep at this hour when I was rustled up to try and remedy the situation. I won't bore you with the details but the Mini is still outside our place, my brother took my subie, and I awoke Erebos from his wintery slumber to get me to the office. So the week was a little rough, Friday has had a so-so start, there's a minor setback in the evening relaxation festivities, but! I was able to coerce my lady into TWO movie nights this week. That's right; two. So lets just say that the smile on my face is not so easily wiped away and may be as large as the one across our mischievously blood curdling and cuddly antagonists' faces from this weeks double feature: Critters and Critters 2.

Critters and Critters 2 were released in 1986 and '88 respectively to audiences everywhere. Part of a now quadrilogy(!) they are comedy horror films that really are devilishly fun. Although all films are somehow released with a PG-13 rating, these films are extremely bloody, vile, distasteful, and fuc*ing hilarious. Critters opens up with the 'crites' stealing a ship from a secure facility in space and just so happened to get the fastest cruiser with 'enough fuel to travel the galaxy 4 times over'. How convenient. Bounty hunters are dispatched post hence and warned to not destroy everything and anything in their path; apparently their MO. We open on a quaint Kansas farm where the young and restless son is trying to get out of yet another test at school by putting on the sick boy performance. The test day is brought to light by the teenage daughter barely eating breakfast, complaining about bathroom time usage, and then rushing off to catch a ride with her friends to school (oh the freedom of 16 and having friends with a drivers license). The mother finishes off the foiled 'sick boy' plot and is busy cooking a wholesome breakfast for the entire family while the father is getting ready to fix a carburetor, bale hay, or do some other manly task around the homestead. The perfect family; these guys are the same perfect family you would see on Parker Brothers board games having the time of their life! But life is about to become not-so-perfect. Fast forward past Billy Zane showing up in a Porsche and enjoying a family dinner to being brought to the barn out back with perfect daughter while father investigates the racket coming up through the outside cellar doors. This movie hits every perfect horror flick cliche gloriously, and without even batting an eye. We finally get our first view of the crites, and these things are downright vicious! 'How cute' my lady says, right before one latches onto its first victim. Hahahahhahahahahhahaha. They roll around, they eat everything inanimate or not, they speak and swear at each other in an unknown language (subtitled for the viewing audience) and cause general mayhem for the bounty hunters to eventually find. Its almost necessary to provide your own running commentary as the most ridiculous thing is topped shortly after you've pointed the first out. There's blood, explosions, one-liners, chasing, scares; they covered it all! Or so you think; enter Critters 2.

 

Same town. Same bounty hunters. Even the same now slightly grown up boy from the first movie. I'm sensing another perfect recipe... So what did we miss? Not much. The crites laid some undiscovered eggs at the end of the first movie and now its time for them to hatch. Since this movie follows almost the exact same premise as the first I'll be brief. More critters, a man in a bunny suit crashing dead through the church stain glass window, boobs, explosion, blood, and an ex sheriff that spews one-liners with the best of 'em. 'Oh, well on the important chart I'd put that between a pineapple quiche and a pimple on my ass!'. 'You all just volunteered. Come on you bunch of pussies.' Gold. I can't wait to check out Critters 3 (with Leonardo DiCaprio!) and possibly Critters 4. I give Critters and Critters 2 each 5/7 Fox Tails for their irreverent humor, bloody creatures, and my boyhood memories being brought back to life. These movies are truly a blast from the past and I already can't wait to watch them again. Looking at that 5/7 rating some people might be a little confused about this rating system. How could an awful movie like this get such a high rating? It's because this movie does what it sets out to do in a great way. Each movie is judged in its own genre and this genre happens to be corny comedy horror. Actually while stating that fact I think I'd bump these up to a 6/7. If you like 80s comedy horror then you already own these gems, and if you're willing to test the genre out then I guarantee you'll find yourself with a twisted smile and giggling incessantly with each bite from these crites.

Time to find the nearest fresh pint of IPA and skate across the frozen roads all the way to my little nephew. Unfortunately he's not old enough for the crites. Yet.

Exfil

From wikipedia: In military tactics, extraction (also exfiltration or exfil), is the process of removing personnel when it is considered imperative that they be immediately relocated out of a hostile environment and taken to a secure area. Although I had this general idea, when it was first mentioned in 'Argo' I decided to look it up just to make sure. This 2013 multiple award winning movie is about the declassified mission to get 6 American embassy employees out of Iran during the 1979 hostage crisis. Ben Affleck stars and directs this movie, a skill that he has sharpened over the years with other films such as The Town (a totally badass film by the way). Argo is a wartime thriller where we already know how it ends (or should) but we are biting our nails the whole time as if we're not quite sure if they'll pull it off. 

The Movie opens by setting the back drop of history. A terrible POS Iranian warlord gives other countries, including the US, rights to oil in his country and then uses the money for his lavish lifestyle and persecutes his own population. Naturally the Iranians don't like him so much, or the dirty Americans that assisted with this rise to power. He flees, they revolt, storm the US Embassy, take 60 or so hostages, and 6 staff members escape through a back door and eventually find asylum with the Canadian ambassador. Apparently we still feel that we didn't give them enough credit in the film (or during the actual events), so we have since given them 2 hockey wins in the current Sochi Olympics. You're welcome. (Side note: In the movie Pacific Rim, Canada is the final gov't official to tell off the commander that he's lost the support for his Jaeger program, but I've already digressed too much). Naturally various branches of the US government get together WAY after specific officials already know that there are 6 staff in hiding in order to come up with a plan to get them out. Apparently they were just hoping this little crisis would work itself out; I mean, doesn't everything seem to work itself out in that part of the world? Yeah, that hurts a bit. So now we only have a few days to come up with a plan before the Iranians figure out they don't have enough hostages. What do you do? Have a meeting to waste more time and come up with ludicrous solutions. I'm not sure how far they stretch the truth of this story, but needless to say some of the options they mentioned to get these people out sounded more fictional than the fake sci-fi movie they ended up making to do the job. I felt like I was watching the scene in Armageddon where they're throwing out ideas to stop the meteor from hurtling into earth and one of them is to use a laser powered from the sun's rays. I really wish Billy Bob Thornton would have busted in, 'Come on guys! We need some realistic solutions here, we only have 3 days!'. Instead an apparently hungover and stressed out Ben Affleck comes to the rescue (as he may when playing Batman next year) when he gets the idea to make a fake sci-fi movie while watching Planet of the Apes and ignoring his son (why are you taking a break from your family again?). Okay, I've gone off the deep end a bit here so lets wrap it up. Argo is a seriously good movie with great performances by Ben, John Goodman, Alan Arkin (one of my personal favs), and the actors playing the feared for their life but lets pull together somehow  and get it done embassy staff members. As far as crime/war drama thrillers go, this is a good one and I award it 6/7 Fox Tails for their effort. Wait, not 7/7? No, and here's why. It is a great movie, but it doesn't have much development of characters nor does it spur on conversation after the movie has ended. It does spur me to read learn more about the actual events, but outside of that I was just extremely entertained for 120 minutes.

To those in Minnesota and the rest of this great nation currently being tortured by the weather, I wish you a happy weekend and safe travels. I'm hitting up a beer and wine tasting event (booya) at a venue that also has the walls lined with arcade games. I may not leave, so I'll leave you with a few quotes from Parks and Rec that I heard this week.
'Whats a non-gay way to ask him to go camping'
'Fish is basically a vegetable'
God bless us, and God bless you Ron Swanson.

Hump Day Quickie

Just burning through the last minutes of the day and figured I'd give you a quick, fresh review of a movie I saw last night; Monuments Men. This movie stars and is directed by George Clooney, and he managed to gather a slew of other stars to come to his aid including Matt Damon, Cate Blanchett, Bill Murray, and many others. Seriously, this movie is stacked with talent. I can't say that I know much about the actual history surrounding the movie or the book it was based on, so I was a bit excited about a completely fresh perspective that I was hoping Mr. Clooney was able to deliver. If we're being honest with ourselves, then I don't think many of our friends and family were aware of this group of individuals who assisted in recovering tens of thousands of priceless works of art. That's what ol' Georgey was trying to do; bring this great story to the masses. The story? Direct from the Monuments Men website, The Monuments Men were a group of men and women from thirteen nations, most of whom volunteered for service in the newly created Monuments, Fine Arts, and Archives section, or MFAA. Most had expertise as museum directors, curators, art scholars and educators, artists, architects, and archivists. Their job description was simple: to save as much of the culture of Europe as they could during combat. He brought the story all right, but I wouldn't proclaim the greatness of it too much. Whatever, this is supposed to be a quickie so here you go. The Monuments Men.

The movie starts out with George Clooney asking Matt Damon out for a drink to discuss his proposal of gathering those that would help save the art of Europe from the clutches of the nasty Nazi Germans. The scene resounds too closely with my memories of the Ocean movies, and George's character is the same dry, calculating character as well. No biggie, I can move past that. The movie continues in this dry, sometimes comical manner, as we gather up the main troops. The troops are of course mostly older men since all those young enough are already on the front lines. Some of the characters obviously have a back story, but we're not privy to it and the story just moves along without it. That's usually fine for an action flick, but I expected a bit more out of this one. This happens throughout the film, and it can't seem to decide to use dry stiff humor, heartfelt drama, or cruel war blast scenes; instead it just sprinkles them throughout and hopes you don't mind that they couldn't make up their mind of what kind of movie they're making. They are All-Stars after all, right? Nope, not good enough. Too many times the movie seems to wander off course; it's as if George had all these great ideas he wanted to convey but then had to whittle it down to the dry fun story he thought Hollywood could handle. But then he went back in and added the stuff he wanted anyway, so it just didn't fit quite right. Overall I give The Monuments Men 4/7 Fox Tails. From a pure movie experience it is only about a 3, but the fact that it opens this story to the public gives it that extra Tail to move it into my 'barely like' category. The characters' developments were conflicted and they just didn't try too hard, but the story itself is interesting enough for you to Redbox this baby when it becomes available. Hey, you could even just read the book The Monuments Men instead of waiting.

Side note: I was able to slide in and see this movie for freedizzle by accompanying my lovely lady and her coworkers of the MIA as they rented out a theater to see this tale about art saviors for themselves. The MIA even had one of the original Monuments Men on their curatorial staff once upon a time, and the museum itself recently acquired a recovered piece that adds to the other masterpieces available for public viewing. And by public viewing I mean that all except special exhibits are free to any and everyone. Pretty cool. Take that Nazi scum.

Acetylcholine, Norepinephrine, Dopamine, Serotonin

Recognize the title? You may recognize a few, if not all, of those words; they act as neurotransmitters in the human brain and are specifically utilized for arousal. The 4 main components in fact for arousal in the human brain, and you can bet that I was producing these guys in droves after the last 2 movies; Jurassic Park and The Lost World. I mentioned the phrase F/X Porn in ending my last post, and these 2 movies are exactly that. This phrase was brought to us by none other than one of my current roommate and brother's favorite writers, the late David Foster Wallace. His essay is simply titled FX Porn. The Lost World is itself even given as an example in the opening of the essay, which I strongly encourage all and everyone to read. Mr Wallace argues that these movies are nothing more than porn when he writes 'What they really are is half a dozen or so isolated, spectacular scenes --scenes comprising maybe twenty or thirty minutes of riveting, sensuous payoff -- strung together via another sixty to ninety minutes of flat, dead, and often hilariously insipid narrative'. It's hard to argue with the man, and I don't plan on doing any such thing. Read the essay, but this post has to do with these amazing movies featuring some of the most spectacular dinosaur scenes in cinema. FX Porn? You bet your ass. Sweet, sweet, delicious, explosive, mind numbing, heart racing, grab you by the seat of your pants and don't let go til you convulse on the floor special effects porn. Enjoy.

Jurassic Park opens up with the raptor transportation scene; velociraptor to be exact. You know the movie is about dinosaurs going into it, so seeing dinosaurs does not necessarily excite you. The crunching of twigs, the breaking of branches high in the air; you expect to see something big and tall crashing through the forest with these guys just waiting to get slaughtered and THEN... No dinosaur; it's just a fork truck carrying a box. Spielberg plays you right off the bat. You prepare yourself to be shocked, and then it turns out just to be some guys unloading a crate. The music is still a little tense, but you've already started to settle down and that's when he strikes. Crash! Screeeeeeeech! Unhuman screams from a creature inside the crate; taser guns are going off wildly, you catch a glimpse of something inside but you can't quite tell what it is. One man lost. Fade out. Ugh! Your first quickie. My heart is pumping just relating the scene! But this is no 80s horror movie. We don't just see a piece of the monster here, and scratch mark left there, leaving our imagination to fill it out before the final reveal at the end. Don't get me wrong, I love those sorts of movie too, but these are not it.

With ILM on board this movie was to be one for the record books. A smattering of dinosaurs in our face moving in real time with crisp motion. Trampling and sliding in and out of shadows, reacting with the environment and other actors. Truly breathtaking. Spielberg still had many models and animatronics made as well; we can't throw away tried and true methods, and having something on set will many times be the best option. We have our regular group of characters that are written to not get along with each other, while we, the audience, know full well that they will be thrown into a plethora of situations that they, and hopefully we, can not imagine. Herd of Brachiosaurus? Check. Tyrannosaurus Rex chase scene? Check. Velociraptor kitchen game of cat and mouse? Oh yeah. Is it a great story? Absolutely. The script may not be riveting, but it has its moments and gets us to the next scene. 'Where's the goat?'. Not much room for actual dialogue but hey, I want to see my dinosaur carnage! And carnage you will get. Once this movie gets going, it literally does not stop. Everything is dangerous in this movie from the environment, to the weather, back stabbing employees, electric fences, and of course large carnosaurs that once ruled this great planet. Drink it in, it always goes down smooth.

Our favorite chaotician Ian Malcom, played by Jeff Goldblum, reprises his role in 'The Lost World' which picks up a few years later. We see even more dinosaurs and, get this, two T. Rexes. Yup, two. As with any decent sequel the body count is higher, the scenes are larger, and the explosives bigger. In this movie we find out there is another island of dinosaurs. Why have 1 when you can have 2 for twice the price. Apparently this island was used as a breeding ground. Didn't we see them breeding the dinosaurs in the first movie? Mr Hammond even has a line that he insists on being there for every hatching. Hmmmm. It's things like these that you just have to let go. There are going to be some disconnects in the story and things that you just have to accept when they are said. Unfortunately one trade off in porn is that there is literally no time for dialogue. He says he's here to repair your pipes, and you don't even have time to respond. Just let him in and take off your shirt. Why? We don't have time for why sometimes, just be happy her shirt is off. Why is there a second island? Because we need more dinosaurs goddamit, and that should be reason enough! No fences this time, but a lot more guns and vehicles to destroy. I've wanted one of those Mercedes SUVs since this movie exploded onto the silver sceen, and I still have it on my list. The Rexes are the star of this film with all the best scenes. Destroying vehicles, rundown through the forest, and then there's Cali. The T.Rex romping through California may be excessive to some, but watching that large 76 ball roll by the car just gets me primed for the chase to come. Did you notice the animal control vehicle accompanying the police cars rounding the corner? A nice chuckle added to the mix, and its little details like this that put a smile on my face. These may be non-stop action flicks made to tantalize and excite the brain in new and exciting ways, but that doesn't mean they just wash out the detail in everything. Watching the commentary on these films is so fun because they point out things you didn't notice before, and you're watching for it the next time you pop in the disc.

In the essay FX Porn, these types of movies are not shown in a positive light. The special effects are the star of the film, and not the actors, script, or even story line in some cases. But is that always negative? I don't think so. Sometimes I want a filet mignon with some local vegies and the seasonal starch, but other times I just want a burger. Mr. Wallace only likes to eat filet and there's nothing wrong with that, but I often opt for the 'lesser' of the culinary bovine world. Some burgers are made with choice chuck and grilled jalapenos, and McDonald's is playing at the other end of the spectrum. I see the JP movies as a grass fed beef burger with all the good fixins. Jurassic Park I give 6/7 Fox Tails, and the Lost World follows up nicely with 5/7. These movies are exactly what they are supposed to be, not much more, and I'm totally okay with that. I choose these movies for excitement and fun and not much thinking. I'll have to throw in some 'smart' movie soon just so you know they can make my list too. Indie films are generally able to do courageous things that the big studios won't allow so I try and keep up. But dino carnage and special effects rule this day.









I want to finish with a quick shout out to Hell's Kitchen in Minneapolis; my lady and I just had our most recent anniversary dinner there and it was delicious as to be expected. They have great service, live music, and sweet artwork from Ralph Steadman adorning the walls. They forgot jalapenos on my burger (delicious juicy lucy; movie connection? maybe I should start comparing movies to burgers and cuts of meat. hmmmmm, but I digress), but I wasn't charged and our server was still great and ever apologetic. I still put it down quite easily and washed it away with a couple of Bell's Hopslams. Very hoppy, good bite, a little sweet, and a heavenly aroma. IPAs and double IPAs like this are often well paired with spicy food, but it goes well with a good burger any day. Truthfully not my favorite double IPA, but this is a delicious beer with maybe just a bit too general of a flavor which puts it on my list of good to great but just not sought after beer. Keep 'er easy.

Overrun

I stated in my first post that I would include some cat pics, so I figured now is as good a time as any. Enter Mina and Atticus.

They are brother and sister of the Devon Rex type; Atticus being the larger, grumpier, lazier, older brother and Mina as the small, energetic, annoying, inquisitive, rambunctious bitch of a younger sister. Truthfully I like Mina better; she's a sassy bitch, but she's my sassy bitch. And she keeps to herself. Atticus on the other hand needs constant attention and food, and therefore is willing to nudge, meow, or sit on your face until he gets either one. And he's usually looking for both.

In an attempt to give Mina more places to roam (stay off the fridge bitch) and Atticus any reason to move, I have assisted my lady in creating some shelves around her cozy apartment for them to climb upon. I'm no carpenter, but they do their job and are easy enough to modify for future paint, carpet, toys, etc.

Messy room with nothing for a cat to climb on (hence no cats)

One Shelf

Two Shelves

5 Shelves

Cat takes notice...

Boom! Cat Paradise

With a little time, a few power tools, some cheap anchors, and a short discussion ('I think it should go here, or maybe here. Should we measure? I don't know, just make it'), we now have a cat paradise! Okay, so we're a little ways from paradise but its a base we can work from, and it is was all done in a single Wednesday evening. 

Speaking of successful week nights, my local broomball team snatched their first 'W' of the season. Nice work SoMo! It's our first year, and although I feel we could have won a previous game it's been super fun and I'm having a blast. 

We have also now instituted 'Movie Night' each Thursday so I don't have to beg to watch movies anymore, and that means you get consistent movie reviews. Up next we'll be tackling Jurassic Park and The Lost World; a pair of movies my lady has written off as a waste of time, but I plan to show her the light. Who doesn't like dinosaurs? Actually apparently most women have little interest in dinosaurs (now or ever in their lifetime) according to my poll of girlfriend and 2 female co-workers. Whatev, I get to choose the first few movies and I choose the FX porn known as JP 1 and 2. (I do own all 3 JP movies, but we won't waste time with number 3 for obvious reasons). I also got a gem from Amazon this week that will definitely be making it into a post in the near future. 

So what do you have planned for your weeknights? Keep 'er easy.